A Horrible Houston Trip
 By now, you have no doubt heard about the somewhat sordid death of actor David Carradine, known to me as Kwai Chang Kane and "Death Race 2000" character Frankenstein, and to the rest of your philistines as Bill of "Kill Bill". His death is something to be mourned, but also to be learned from, namely in travel.

#1) If you have someone knock on your door at god knows when in a foreign country, always look through the peephole first.

#2) If you desire to call for a hooker in a foreign country, be sure her boyfriend isn't waiting to kill you the second you have your wallet out.

#3) If you're thinking about doing auto-erotic asphyxiation in a hotel room, be aware of old world craftsmanship in certian countries and the inability to break through what you've tied a rope to.

#4) If you're going to kill yourself, don't do it in a foreign country. You'll be lucky to have an open-casket funeral after the "coroners" get through with you.

I think that about covers my bases depending on what the news reports in the next few days.

Travel is on the brain given my imminent departure to Houston for a week. As I've no doubt stated in earlier rants, many of my friends believe me crazy for going out to Texas. They perceive it as some blasted hellscape filled with nothing but empty Super Big Gulp cups and decapitated bull heads mounted on some kind of modified SUV-M1Abrahms Tank hybrid, baking the rotting flesh in the sun while the tongues loll out on hard turns. This is no doubt because Texas gave us one of the worst presidencies in recent history, and the added craziness of the governor declaring they should succeed the second a black guys becomes commander in chief. 

But Texas is a bit of a wild card. They always have been. I feel you can't do justice to a place without having ever visited it, and going on what you've seen on "Family Guy". Many of the people I've met even casually in Texas are very much normal people with normal values, who seem only to be beaten at the polls by forgetting to vote. Of course, there are differences.

Race is a very odd thing in Texas. While racism is much more vocal in the entirety of the state than in California or New York, it seems to be dying down into a much more channeled kind of racism. I had my friend, a white woman in her 20s, and her friend, a black man in his 30s, explain how it worked.

ME: So, what, only in anger?
MY FRIEND: Pretty much, yeah.
ME: (to Her Friend) And that doesn't bother you.
HER FRIEND: Not really. She isn't talking about my ass.
ME: (to My Friend again) So you would call [HF]...?
MF: He's black.
ME: What about [guy they both really hate who's black]?
MF: That dude's a fuckin' n****r.
HF: A dumb motherfuckin' n****r.
ME: (to HF, while brain is trying eat itself) ... So what do you call white guys you hate?
HF: Rednecks, crackers. 
MF: Or just "dumb-ass white people", right?
(Both break into laughter as my brain finally succeeds.)

Surreal, I know. This isn't to say worse forms of racism exist in the state, but this seems to be the most prevalent when there is. But I suppose any step forward is progress, no matter how much it seems.... creepy.

And while people rag on Texas for driving trucks, I would hasten to point out that places like Houston are essentially one big off-ramp. The definition of surprise is looking out the window and seeing a house not next to a major freeway. The sedan, while present, is for short jaunts. If you have to go all over town for various items, you are making sure you have enough room because you are not making more than one trip. You shoot people who forget to get things at stores.

And while people may ride Texans about less than healthy cuisine, I think we as a people have forgotten how good the occasional not-so-healthy cuisine is. Hushpuppies are just deep-fried cornbread, and you should give them the love and respect you would give a tater-tot. And I don't care what you're going to say about the stuff you've had, unless you've been to the Mid or Southwestern United States, you have not had white gravy. You think you have, but you have just had gravy that happened to be white-LIKE. And it's not like these people eat it with every meal, but they have the OPTION to, and in our envy, we mock them for their delicious, fatty, delicious goodness.

But when you go anywhere, as David Carradine may have need to know (doctor's report pending), there are some things you should have the common sense not to do.

- Don't get into political debates with locals. You wouldn't back down if you were being harassed by an out of towner on your vote either.

- Under no circumstances bring up religion. Most people you meet in metropolitan areas are either middle-road types or deadpan atheists, but you shouldn't risk rolling snake-eyes.

- If they say something you find offensive, just walk away. Chances are a dick is a dick is a dick wherever you go, but that dick might have half the bar backing him up on it.

- Sports. See politics.

- Try to find out what the spectrum of local cuisine is and choose the lesser evil. Do not demand to eat what you usually do back home, and then ask how they can live not carrying Food Item X. 

- Do not call a local custom/festival/event gay, retarded, barbaric,  or sexist unless they involve two men kissing, autistics, gladiators, or a man money-shot'ing a woman's face, respectively.

And remember, when all else fails, everyone love booze and marijuana. If not, they're a sexist, homophobic idiot caveman, and you have my permission to smack them with bag full of Idaho potatoes. With nails in them.

See you when I get back, folks.