My Horrible Soapbox

A Horrible TV/Movie Review That Ate Cincinnati Part 2

2009-11-07T05:09:49Z

Well, after sleeping for a few days, I feel refreshed enough to dredge up opinions on good movies, bad movies, and TV shows you should either get back into or avoid like exploding-scrotal-plague-riddled wildebeests. Plus, I made myself a sammich, so, y'know, that took some time.

Paranormal Activity

Fuck this movie.

Fuck it's hype, fuck its "#1 indie horror movie status", fuck it's somehow decent Rotten Tomatoes score. If you found this movie to be "better than Blair Witch", you are an 18 year old Catholic club-hopping fashionista who flunked remedial English and believes Ghost Hunters is legitimate science. The only reason people enjoyed this film is because it had a "pay-off" of actually seeing a monster at the end, which they stupidly felt cheated out of in "Blair Witch". (People hating on "Blair Witch" several years after the fact is extremely fashionable right now, and it could fill an entire rant posting regarding how I wish those missed the point of the film death.) Granted, there were things the film did right. Rather than being a ghost haunting, it was a demon haunting, which hasn't been done in favor of possession in recent decades. The sound of the approaching entity was a slight stroke of genius on the creators' parts, giving it that heavy bass sound one associates with freeway traffic in the distance, something most city-dwellers can recognize once outside of the film to further creep them out. Lastly, the build-up was nice, with a good use of shadow that makes the audience question if it was natural or CGI.

You know what it didn't have? ACTING! Christ almighty, you thought acting was bad in "Cloverfield" or "Diary of the Dead"? This film makes them look like "Children of Men" & "No Country For Old Men" mashed together. I wouldn't believe these people as dysfunctional family with a tenth of common sense average people have, much less a happy couple. Unlike other films which give implied or explicit reasons for the camera being held, this film gave NO good god damn reason for someone lugging it around in the latter part of the film beyond "we have to keep documenting while you're being dragged off, honey".

The other major problem of the film is NEVER ONCE DO THEY GET A FUCKING PRIEST. Seriously?!? You know and have accepted that it's a demon by Act 2, even according to Unconvincing Psychic Professor Guy, and the thought of blessing the house never comes up? Well, since it's haunting the female lead and not the house, of course that makes it much harder t-OH WAIT, NO IT FUCKING DOESN'T! You can't get any sleep because of evil shenanigans? GO. TO. A. CHURCH. Better yet, get a fucking exorcism! Good sweet Christ in a handcart!

Not only do I advise against ever seeing this in theaters, but I don't even suggest you watch this when it comes out on broadcast TV. In fact, I submit that this film should pay all of us to go see other movies. For all of 2010.

Batman/Superman: Public Enemies

If you were ever a fan of the Batman or Superman animated series, or any of the Justice League shows they spawned, you'll enjoy this. While not strictly cannon, it features virtually all of the original voice actors and has a storyline that can still fit within the JLU universe. The plot revolves around Lex Luthor being president due after helping combat the recession, and promptly framing Bats and the Blue Boy Scout from murder when they don't agree to ally themselves strictly with the U.S. Government. Beat-downs ensue, with a rogue comet of kryptonite in the mix for extra fun. The most enjoyable aspect of this is probably the interactions between two iconic superheroes and what they think of each other in this particular universe when the chips are down. (And you slash-fictioners can stop that train of thought right there.) A worthy rental or purchase.

The Haunting In Connecticut

It's not 1925, so stop making ghost story films, folks. They haven't been a viable standard of scaring people since "Event Horizon", and even then that had Lovecraftian overtones. Wooo, creepy ectoplasm coming out of the mouth during a seance. Woggiety-woogiety-woogiety, the house used to be a mortuary owned by an occulllllllltiiiiiist! Your house... is a DOOOOOOOOOM HOOOOOUSE! About the only thing effectively creepy used in the film was the set of the basement, where the main male lead had set up his bed in front of a tinted glass & wood wall that unknowingly led into the darkened autopsy room. Facing a dark, bay-windowed room adjacent to yours in an unfamiliar house while going to sleep is a terrifying notion mentally and visually, but it does not carry a movie.

Race to Witch Mountain
I'll admit, the kid in me wanted to see this because I'd seen the original almost as many times as my most rented VHS tape of all time, "The Cat From Outer Space". (Shut up, you watched things when you were a child too.) I have to say bravo to whoever made it, the end result far better than the original ever was. All of the characters were properly motivated, having no one-dimensional heroes or villains. It also touched on social themes that most kids movies don't have, namely environmentalism and the dangers of a military state during a crisis. It didn't use the usual "kid grabbing" points that turn accompanying parents' brains to sludge, such as gross-out humor or tween celebrity cameos, and is actually one of the first live action Disney movies that has been above two stars in some time. Don't feel you need a kid to watch it, just put it on if you want something light with a little sci-fi action vibe.

Rob Zombie Presents The Haunted World of El Superbeasto

Now, many who read this soap-box or know me are aware of my mixed feelings on ol' Mr. Zombie. On the one hand, "Halloween" was a fantastic remake. On the other, "House of 1000 Corpses" was just as bad as "Manos: The Hands of Fate". However, I do respect the man for his desire to make a "Fritz the Cat"-style cartoon, because, well, I approve of pulp, and I approve of animation. The two go together like peanut butter and bread. While it had some pretty decent jokes, the whole thing didn't quite capture the "Fritz" spirit of things despite rampant sex and violence. (It must have been the lack of copious amounts of drugs.) Having a song called "Catfight" when the two main beauties of the feature get into a fight about it being OK to masturbate to cartoons because "the Japanese do it everyday" was a nice touch though. If you enjoy such things, or just want to hear Sherri Moon Zombie & Rosario Dawson making sexy grunting noises as they fight like some of us did, go ahead and check it out via Netflix.

One-Eyed Monster

By all rights, this movie should have been unwatchable. I mean, it's a movie about an alien entity invading Ron Jeremy's penis and becoming ambulatory outside a porn shoot in the woods, only to kill with abandon by literally fucking people to death. But the actors and creators knew just how bad it was supposed to be that they played it to the hilt. Er, so to speak. It was like a cosmic alignment of bad being good. The main tough guy constantly using his exaggerated tough-guy-voice pretty much hammered it home. Again, so to speak. I don't think I've had a horror movie get so close to hitting the original Evil Dead 2 feel as this one, and believe me, that's a good thing. Despite not getting to show it on Halloween, I still have it saved to my DVR to share the hilarity. It also has particular real-world insights by Ron Jeremy on how adult film has fallen since the '70's, comparing it tongue-in-cheekly (look, it's all really just so to speak, ok?) to feeling "like some schmuck on an idiotic reality show." Good stuff.

The Last House On The Left

In fairness, this film was never really that great to start with even before they re-made it. While I'm sure the rape scene was something terrifying, edgy, and new in the '70's, it's 21st century counterpart has become just mildly uncomfortable. At least in "The Hills Have Eyes", you didn't know if they were going to eat them after they were finished, adding tension. Pretty simple story: roving gang who killed a cop hides out in small town. Roving gang kidnaps, has fun with, and kills two local girls, but get injured in process. Roving gang unwittingly goes to house of parents of dead girl A to seek aid, only to have parents start a killing spree when not-so-dead girl A shows up on back porch. The end. About the only enjoyable part was the use of a microwave on one of the tied-down miscreants' head as the movie's parting shot, although not well enough to justify replacing the chainsaw massacre from the original. If you want gore, go for the original release. If you want suspense, get another movie.

Sons of Anarchy

You people should be watching this. Why are you not watching this? It's like how I should be watching Breaking Bad and old seasons of The Wire. None of us have excuses for it. It's Hamlet with bikers by the better half of the writers from The Shield. And it has Mitch Pileggi & Henry Rollins as white supremacist villains. Tie that in with aging Ron Perlman & a matriarchal ass-kicking biker den mother played by Katey "Peg Bundy" Sagal, and you got yourself a winner. It's effectiveness also comes from its music, which is mostly drawn from independent artists and in-house band Curtis Stiger & The Forrest Rangers. It took me ages to find the in-house musician who did one of the best acoustic versions of "Fortunate Son", but much like the series, it was worth it.

Dexter

Look, Dex, it's.... I think we should see other people. It's just... lately, you've been so distant, so... unapproachable. It's like your plots are all just repeats of good writing you had in the first two seasons. It's not me, it's you. I think you should probably end. It'll just get messy if you keep going on. I mean, c'mon, it's not like the acting besides Michael C Hall's wasn't stinking up the place already, right? You couldn't even keep me interested in John Lithgow being a serial killer. And when that's happening, the love is gone. Also, I've taken my share of the china.

V

While I'm wary on the pilot because, well, it was a pilot and such things can never be trusted, it's gotten off to a rocky start. For one thing, they changed the color scheme out the Visitors. The red uniforms were almost central to the warning sign subconsciously going off in the viewer's mind. The people of V's Earth wanted to believe they were peaceable, but... red. Also, the reptilian thing was definitely way, WAY too soon, as they were about halfway through the miniseries before someone secretly saw the Visitors' leader devour a rat like a snake would while in their human-suit. I am glad Alan Tudyk is cornering the market on cool sci-fi roles however, managing to top Patchwork-Personality Jack the Ripper with Carnivorous Lizard Alien Sleeper Cell Commando. That's a couple of cards to beat a full house for geek cred. Still, time will tell if this thing is going to get dumped as quick as "FlashForward" will be. Prepare to be out of work again, John Cho!

The Venture Bros.

If you don't know of this show, I'm saddened for your loss. You should be watching this before you watch "Sons of Anarchy". Maybe not before "The Wire", but definitely "SOA". There's actual character development this season, and the safety net of "clones" only helps that. The creators seem to have found just the right mix of comedy and action, as was evident in what is now one of my top episodes of the show "Perchance to Dean". I dare you to find another show that makes use of Kevin Conroy playing a Michael Jackson-esque version of Superman/Batman or has a character tended to after going into a prog-rock coma while someone shouts "He's in a Floyd-hole! Run a bath and fill it with ice, now!"

... Th' hell are you waiting for? I just told you what was good, get to rentin'.

A Horrible TV/Movie Review That Ate Cincinnati Part 1

2009-11-04T16:59:57Z

Been a couple of months, and the summer movie craze is well and truly over while the new television seasons have begun. You know what that means. Another portion of your life being wasted on what this horrific cynic of a bastard thinks about the "moving pictures of today". Get some popcorn.

Star Trek

After following the train wreck that is "Lost" since season 1, I'll be the last person to defend JJ Abrams (even though I was apparently one of the few humans on the planet who enjoyed "Cloverfield".) Be that as it may, I have to admit this film hit all the proper switches with me. It made itself accessible to new fans, while still doing things for old fans. Simon Pegg's portrayal of Scotty was particularly memorable, as was the fight atop the drill with Mr. Sulu, who was actually made bad-ass. My only complaint was the choice to cast Eric Bana in the role of the vengeful Romulan, as he had the acting chops to pull off a series 1 Trek villain, but not the intensity. And yes, there was Kirk having sex with green women. More in its favor was a plot point, which I won't reveal, creating what some might call a "brave new world (no Nimoy pun intended) for the series, allowing a broad range of fresh stories to be ventured forth in future films. Definitely worth the DVD price to own.

Watchmen

I was finally able to sit down and watch this as a rental. I did have some reservations about it, considering Alan Moore desiring to distance himself from any movies of his works he hadn't personally OK'd. Keep in mind, I haven't seen the Director's Cut or the forthcoming "Ultimate" edition, which blends the Black Freighter animated story in the same way the comic was. Rorschach was done perfectly, being equal parts crazy vigilante and overly concerned citizen. Likewise, Niteowl, Ozymandius, the Comedian were properly portrayed, but the actors playing Dr. Manhattan and Silk Spectre 2 felt somehow subdued for the roles they were put in. Likewise, the lack of a giant tentacled beast was a bit of a downer. However the one point that I felt actually did something better than the comic (sorry Alan), was Niteowl witnessing the confrontation between Rorschach & Doctor Manhattan, which gave the scene greater poignancy. My greatest complaint would most likely have been the absolutely nauseating use of the song "Hallelujah" during a sex scene. I don't care what planet you're from or how slow-mo you shoot it, it just doesn't work.

Grace

An original premise for a horror movie, but sadly not as effective for me because I am neither A) a vegan, or B) a woman as the freak outs were intended for. A soy and tofu above all woman who has had several miscarriages decides to go to a midwife instead of a traditional doctor for her most recent pregnancy. After being involved in an accident, her baby is killed in the womb, and rather than induce labor, she desires to keep it in her until it naturally "delivers". After giving birth to the dead baby, it seems to come alive simply out of her sheer will for it to. The problems start when little Grace apparently won't drink milk, but seems to bite a little harder to get other bodily fluids. While creepy, well-shot, and well-acted, as a man I cannot appreciate some of the nuanced terrors that the movie presents despite understanding them. If you are however a womanly lover of horror, check out this one on DVD and leave your number on my desk.

Terminator: Salvation

No, it wasn't great, but it was above and far, far beyond what we got out of Terminator 3. It had some pretty obvious plot holes, and Christian Bale is clearly still not handling Heath's death well enough to get much depth out of John Connor or most other roles, but it had its up points. Sam Worthington was the real joy of the film, managing an interesting blend of nihilism and hope that his nihilism is wrong. It was also interesting to see what sort of terminators were created for the storyline once humanity knew about them and they didn't have to emulate human form. It also features once of the best uses of the song "Rooster" by Alice in Chains in film that I bloody well know of.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Let me start by saying that when you have a movie series based on a cartoon based on a foldable toy from the 80's, you shouldn't go in expecting to get much use out of your higher brain functions. Oh look, the robots are fighting on top of the pyramids. That makes me not really care about the two black stereotypes they've replaced their old one with. Again, most of the best interactions happen between Shia Lebouf's character and his parents, which is depressing since half his lines were him running and saying "gogogogogogogo" over and over. 'cause, you know, it's not like CG characters can have depth. Like that guy from lord of the Rings.

On the plus side, Ravage! tinyurl.com/yjewf6t

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

I'll be honest, if you weren't male in the late eighties, this movie will have nothing for you. I mean nothing. It is a vacuum of pure hate that Stephen Sommers should be horsewhipped for. Ray Park as Snake Eyes and Jason Gordon-Levitt as a suitably cowardly Cobra Commander were the only things even the most die-hard of inner children could laud. The action scenes were surprisingly fun to watch, but that may be because it was the few times there was no dialogue. And they said "knowing is half the battle". Twice. Not cool, Steve.

Harry Potter and the Who Gives A Shit

Seriously. I walked out of that movie, and ten minutes afterward, I could not reliably tell people that I remembered if I saw it or not. It was so edited for time, I swear it was like a Harry Potter OVA or something. Rats must have carried off key parts of the master script, forcing them to make do with what they had for deadline reasons. No, bad movie. You were not worth four bucks for rental, much less ten in the theater. Look at him, he knows what he's done.

District 9

Despite arguments with a certain film buff who knows who he is, I thought this movie was fantastic. It did what science fiction was supposed to; it took a social theme & history and drew attention to it with outlandish settings. It had some of the most expressive CGI I've seen in a movie in some time, which was amazing as none of those expressions were human or even human-ish. You actually found it hard to watch some of the death scenes of the computerized characters, and that's no small feat. Sharlto Copely also showed that sometimes certain mannerisms and intensities are bred out of formally trained actors, and I was glad he wasn't one. These elements combined with Nigerian gangsters and the best live-action mech fight ever set this one as my favorite of the past few months.

Trick 'r Treat

Longtime readers of the Soapbox might remember me mentioning this film planning to come out almost two whole years ago. Instead, it was put into post-production hell until just this last October. While the artistic decisions were fantastic, the cinematography solid, and even the dialogue perfectly fine, it suffered from the all too common problem of being a writer/director's first film. Instead of laying out the stories one after another, he chose to jump between the four. This unfortunately breaks tension that would have otherwise built up well, as it seemed like a movie that was rated R in that hopes that children snuck in so it could specifically scar them and only them for doing so. An interesting watch, if you see it on premium cable.

Friday the 13th

Believe it or not, this was a half-way decent re-make. Of course, considering the originals, that isn't too hard. Instead of some supernatural killing machine, Jason is just a deformed murderous autistic who locals stay the hell away from. The obvious question of "why the hell would anybody go to Crystal Lake" is answered by the teens finding it by accident. The deaths were actually inventive, several of which hadn't been done before in a Jason flick. That said, don't expect horror Shakespeare, folks.

The International

"Three Days to the Condor", "Three Days to the Condor", "Three Days to the Condor", annnnnnnnnd "Constant Gardener" ending. Blarg. Next.

Stick around kids. Further movie hijinks involving thrown tomatoes filled with plague rats to follow after these short REMs.

A Horrible Sex-Crazed Planet

2009-09-02T07:33:37Z

Jude will be the first one to say that he enjoys sex. It's good stuff. It was clearly made by an engineer somewhere with simple intentions before having it bastardized by management to handle the whole "biological replication problem" over in R&D. Notwithstanding, I think it's necessary for relatively sane individuals to accept and enjoy sexual activity.

I tend to think of this sort of logic as "The Fight Against The Leaf", owing to my fairly Christian upbringing. I dream of a time far off beyond the scope of my years where folks don't think anything about strutting 'round nude because we finally beat the Adam & Eve myth regarding shame. I use the word myth, since the whole creation myth regarding the first two humans was succinctly put down by, shock and awe, ANOTHER fiction writer in the novel "Snow Crash". And if I'm gonna have fiction try and teach me about moral judgments regarding my freakin' body, I'll take Pratchett over Pope Edit-All-Of-It the Mad XXIII.

You'd think we were moving toward a greater era of sexual self-awareness. (Not sexual freedom, mind you, we've had that forever. It just so happens sexual freedom usually occurred in certain more shadow-filled areas and for fifty bucks over the usual rate.) In point of fact, I think we're moving backwards.

I present Exhibit A. tinyurl.com/knbt2g

Let me get this straight, India. You have decided to ban a privately owned web-site which actually doesn't violate any national or regional law, because it featured faux-sex with fictional, artistically rendered characters.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!? Man the fuck up, India! I can deal with this level of hypocrisy out of a fundamental Christian-derived nation, because their sexual history is nonexistent and they don't know any goddamn better! But you?!? You're gonna look me in the eye and justify calling artist-created sex "obscene" ? Fuck you, prudes of an otherwise great subcontinent! You go right now and get in touch with your roots! The monks who wrote the Kama Sutra wouldn't even have it in them to be mad at you. They would just be "very disappointed".

But India isn't alone in their denial of sexuality, and Exhibit B hits closer to home. Especially if you live in Florida.

tinyurl.com/mr4a8k

There are few instances where I will tell someone not to watch porn. However, watching someone have sex on camera even when they hate it is pretty high on the list, somewhere between "there's kids in the room" and "that video was something special my girlfriend made for me, and you're not seeing it". It is what every feminist has ever said about adult films come true: the debasement of an individual for profit.

The "racy photos" by the way, are nothing you can't see on the average Myspace page or Teen People cover. It's a woman, in a bikini. You would think in Florida, that might not be the most unusual sight around, especially if those classes get an end-of-school beach trip. Because a bunch of parents didn't want their kids to find out their teacher was a human being who went and had fun like anyone else, she was fired, had her kids removed from custody, and prevented from obtaining a job anywhere in the area she called home.

This was not a child groper, or even a secret porn star to start out. She was a single, fun-loving human being, who had a PG-13 picture snapped of her, and was crucified for it. What's worse, the people who took the picture "took pity" on her, by telling her she could never hope to teach again and that she might as well just start hooking...

... I'm sorry, "starring" for them if she wanted to keep basic elements such as food and shelter, despite her protests. The things I would do to the owners of KLC productions given the chance for such an act could only be called sexual if you counted adding new orifices and jamming stray objects into them. Objects with monkey feces smeared on the ends.

Sexual self-awareness. You need it Florida. And I don't think you have a leaf big enough to cover your shame.

A Horrible Iran Vs. Michael Jackson Cage Match

2009-07-31T07:18:07Z

Responsible journalism.

I'm not part of it, but I'm a freak of the world and an utter cynic to boot. I have one perspective and that is my perspective. Such is what you're going to get from me, but then I've never claimed to be otherwise. I like to think I'm pretty upfront with you folks with my hideousness like that. But, and this is important, I'm not a major media journalist.

Now, let's take a look at a scenario. You have two stories sitting in front of you, that your powers that be have deemed are newsworthy. One, they say, must be a main feature, while the other occupies space next to the half-page ad for new KY with No Trans-Fat & Reduced Dick Rot. Beyond that, they leave the prioritizing up to you.

Story one isn't really news. It's more like recycled news buying time until another better story replaces it. It isn't about the icon dying because, well, the icon is already dead. That was the story you ran with for two straight weeks in lieu of all others. You remember because everyone got paid overtime and you were having Betty from accounting blow you on an hourly basis in exchange for the bonuses you were all getting for said extra hours. It was a golden time you were only too sad to see pass, and hoped new icons would hurry up and get made & die so it could happen again soon.

Story two seems similar on the surface. It's about that depressing little foreign place where people have decided to act right, and are getting buttfucked by their leadership for it at every turn. But while they may be same old-same old, apparently the buttfuckers have decided to use IRON SPIKED condoms, thus bringing the buttfucking to a bloody head. The people are just trying to live their lives, not doing anything too provocative, and are getting rammed twice as hard for the societal equivalent of "two for flinching".

But story one reminds you of blowjobs and happier times, so you go with that one for the main article. Besides, buttfucked foreigners isn't really affecting anyone here, now is it?

I don't give 1/163rds of an ever-loving fuck what the hell is going to happen to Michael Jackson's kids, his estate, his autopsy, or his doctor, and nothing short of the revelation that the King of Pop was actually the second coming of Jesus H. Christ & reincarnation of Buddha will make me. Yeah, Thriller was a nice album, got us a nice music video, but fuck you if you think this is what I want to see as "Top News" every night. He lived, he sang, he died, and he decomposed somewhere inbetween all of this. I couldn't be made to care about this as news when the funeral was being televised and I once proudly bought several of his albums in public stores. With others watching.

You wanna be a fucking newsman of the gods, CNN/FOX/Who Gives A Fuck? You get your ass on the nearest illegal flight to Tehran with a crew of twenty incognito A/V specialists with jailbroken-iPhones that could pick up a fly's dusty fart in Blu-Ray quality. You get there right now, keep your fucking head down, and talk to people about what footage and accounts they have of events. Jesus shit, this was story #7 under the goddamn "Beer Summit"! edition.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/meast/07/30/neda.iran.memorial.protests/

Christ almighty, do I have to wipe your asses too while I'm at it? Be fucking journalists or I will shoot at your feet in some sick parody of a bad Western until you start to! I'm too fucking crazy to go over and do it myself, so hup to motherfuckers!

...

NOW!

A Horrible Houston Trip

2009-06-05T09:42:04Z

By now, you have no doubt heard about the somewhat sordid death of actor David Carradine, known to me as Kwai Chang Kane and "Death Race 2000" character Frankenstein, and to the rest of your philistines as Bill of "Kill Bill". His death is something to be mourned, but also to be learned from, namely in travel.

#1) If you have someone knock on your door at god knows when in a foreign country, always look through the peephole first.

#2) If you desire to call for a hooker in a foreign country, be sure her boyfriend isn't waiting to kill you the second you have your wallet out.

#3) If you're thinking about doing auto-erotic asphyxiation in a hotel room, be aware of old world craftsmanship in certian countries and the inability to break through what you've tied a rope to.

#4) If you're going to kill yourself, don't do it in a foreign country. You'll be lucky to have an open-casket funeral after the "coroners" get through with you.

I think that about covers my bases depending on what the news reports in the next few days.

Travel is on the brain given my imminent departure to Houston for a week. As I've no doubt stated in earlier rants, many of my friends believe me crazy for going out to Texas. They perceive it as some blasted hellscape filled with nothing but empty Super Big Gulp cups and decapitated bull heads mounted on some kind of modified SUV-M1Abrahms Tank hybrid, baking the rotting flesh in the sun while the tongues loll out on hard turns. This is no doubt because Texas gave us one of the worst presidencies in recent history, and the added craziness of the governor declaring they should succeed the second a black guys becomes commander in chief.

But Texas is a bit of a wild card. They always have been. I feel you can't do justice to a place without having ever visited it, and going on what you've seen on "Family Guy". Many of the people I've met even casually in Texas are very much normal people with normal values, who seem only to be beaten at the polls by forgetting to vote. Of course, there are differences.

Race is a very odd thing in Texas. While racism is much more vocal in the entirety of the state than in California or New York, it seems to be dying down into a much more channeled kind of racism. I had my friend, a white woman in her 20s, and her friend, a black man in his 30s, explain how it worked.

ME: So, what, only in anger?
MY FRIEND: Pretty much, yeah.
ME: (to Her Friend) And that doesn't bother you.
HER FRIEND: Not really. She isn't talking about my ass.
ME: (to My Friend again) So you would call [HF]...?
MF: He's black.
ME: What about [guy they both really hate who's black]?
MF: That dude's a fuckin' n****r.
HF: A dumb motherfuckin' n****r.
ME: (to HF, while brain is trying eat itself) ... So what do you call white guys you hate?
HF: Rednecks, crackers.
MF: Or just "dumb-ass white people", right?
(Both break into laughter as my brain finally succeeds.)

Surreal, I know. This isn't to say worse forms of racism exist in the state, but this seems to be the most prevalent when there is. But I suppose any step forward is progress, no matter how much it seems.... creepy.

And while people rag on Texas for driving trucks, I would hasten to point out that places like Houston are essentially one big off-ramp. The definition of surprise is looking out the window and seeing a house not next to a major freeway. The sedan, while present, is for short jaunts. If you have to go all over town for various items, you are making sure you have enough room because you are not making more than one trip. You shoot people who forget to get things at stores.

And while people may ride Texans about less than healthy cuisine, I think we as a people have forgotten how good the occasional not-so-healthy cuisine is. Hushpuppies are just deep-fried cornbread, and you should give them the love and respect you would give a tater-tot. And I don't care what you're going to say about the stuff you've had, unless you've been to the Mid or Southwestern United States, you have not had white gravy. You think you have, but you have just had gravy that happened to be white-LIKE. And it's not like these people eat it with every meal, but they have the OPTION to, and in our envy, we mock them for their delicious, fatty, delicious goodness.

But when you go anywhere, as David Carradine may have need to know (doctor's report pending), there are some things you should have the common sense not to do.

- Don't get into political debates with locals. You wouldn't back down if you were being harassed by an out of towner on your vote either.

- Under no circumstances bring up religion. Most people you meet in metropolitan areas are either middle-road types or deadpan atheists, but you shouldn't risk rolling snake-eyes.

- If they say something you find offensive, just walk away. Chances are a dick is a dick is a dick wherever you go, but that dick might have half the bar backing him up on it.

- Sports. See politics.

- Try to find out what the spectrum of local cuisine is and choose the lesser evil. Do not demand to eat what you usually do back home, and then ask how they can live not carrying Food Item X.

- Do not call a local custom/festival/event gay, retarded, barbaric, or sexist unless they involve two men kissing, autistics, gladiators, or a man money-shot'ing a woman's face, respectively.

And remember, when all else fails, everyone love booze and marijuana. If not, they're a sexist, homophobic idiot caveman, and you have my permission to smack them with bag full of Idaho potatoes. With nails in them.

See you when I get back, folks.

A Horrible Return To The Film Review Lagoon

2009-05-02T06:18:46Z

Oh, yes. He has been away and his eye muscles have been busy, ladies an' gents. A lot of horror movies in this one, but hey, why should today be any different. It goes without saying that there are spoilers here, but only for the movies that were terrible. In fact, an inverse relationship between the badness of the movie and the amount I talk about it should be a well-established trend by now. Let's get the ball rolling, film monkeys.

Death Race

Amazingly, a Jason Statham movie besides "Snatch" that was actually entertaining. Who figured it would be a remake of 70's cult classic "Death Race 2000" ? Certainly not I. The film did acknowledge its roots by having David Carradine, who starred as the driver Frankenstein in the original, to do the voice of the driver Statham was to replace. Although not a masterpiece of the cinematic field, it was most definitely a good popcorn movie, and is one of the few successes Paul W.S. Anderson has had since "Event Horizon". It's also the closest thing we're going to get to a Twisted Metal Black movie, for reasons I won't go into. Not expecting much to start, my only knock against it was it took place in a massive private prison, as opposed to being cross-country and having the iconic "pedestrians, 10 points each" factor. Still, if you got four bucks and liked Death Proof, you can risk giving it a rent.

Eagle Eye

Now, I'm about as Shia LaBeouf-ed as everybody else at this point (I'll make an exception for Transformers 2, but that's strictly an inner child thing), considering his style of acting can be summed up as saying "go go go" urgently. He does manage to play that down in Eagle Eye to his credit, though it will still occasionally smack you in the face. The movie has a slight sci-fi edge that I won't go into detail about, but fans of suspense should enjoy it regardless. Billy Bob Thorton gave a fine performance, although I get the sense that half of Rosario Dawson's scenes ended up on the cutting room floor. Ultimately, the film is entertaining, but watching this with Death Race back-to-back might melt your brain.

Midnight Meat Train

Despite sounding like a gay porno, the film had some of the best shots I've seen in an American horror movie in some time. It's rare that someone can actually make a 360 CGI shot look near-flawless, but they did deliver. The story, which Clive Barker admits he wrote while tripping major balls, starts easy enough and then just sort of wanders at the tail end. This isn't to say it's a bad movie. In fact, in points, it's a very good movie, and Barker's sense of dread still comes across well. The ending was such that it was like having a wonderful meal, and then having a passing waiter accidently fart in your face while your mouth was open. It's forgivable, but still leaves a bad taste in your mouth. Vinnie Jones did great though, proving that once again, if you give him a role with only one line in an entire movie, he will play that shit to the hilt.

Sex Drive

Funnier than "Road Trip", not as funny as "Superbad". But if you ever wanted to see Seth Green play a sarcastic Amish, and see a talking donut with one of those suction-cup dildos stuck to it, by all means, knock yourself out.

House

I was disappointed by this one considering how interesting "The Visitation" was. The plot was like a plane being controlled by Michael J. Fox and co-piloted by a hyperactive mongoose on meth, bobbing and weaving everywhere. (Yes, yes, I know I'm going to hell.) While the acting wasn't atrocious, the movie never actually managed to ESTABLISH anything, like a kid who can't sit still. Plus, I've got news. Stories about being in a scary place and it turns out it was purgatory and if you won or lost the test determined if you lived or died? Never was a viable theme, never will be.

Let The Right One In

People who know me know that I hate vampires most of the time. I feel Bram Stroker ruined the entire mythology by making them beings of sexuality, rather than beings of slaughter and decay. That said, this movie, direct from Sweden of all places, managed to endear itself to me anyway. It was perhaps the fact that the vampire in question was a 12 year-old girl with no sexuality whatsoever except to the 12 year-old boy who lives next door to her. There is never any major sexual tones to the film, her state of being thought of more as a medical condition that she and her human "father" take care of by harvesting victims, while the relationship between she and the young male lead is more that state of love conceived of before one had sexual urges. All in all, I enjoyed it, and think others cynics of the "modern" vampire themes would to. Eat it, "Twilight."

Jumper

Proof, if nothing else, that Hayden Christiansen can act, and just got handed a really shitty script in "Star Wars" Parts 2 &3. I'm sure the book was better, although the movie wasn't god-awful. It was an interesting premise, backed by decent acting, and on occasion, somewhat predictable turns. Catch it on HBO or TV, but I wouldn't pay cash for it.

[REC]*

Although remade as the American release "Quarantine", the Spanish original version is the one you want to see. Where "Quarantine" was bumbling and disjointed as a cheap "28 Days Later" knock off, this film never really explained whether there was a disease at all, giving a number of possible explanations that the viewer can draw their own conclusions from. Also, the constant first-person horror conundrum of "why the fuck are they still filming everything" is given reprieve, as the main characters are the only reporters on the scene and aren't about to stop filming. My only complaint doesn't actually come from this movie, but from its remake, who completely ruined the last scene of the movie by including it in its own trailer AND PUTTING IT ON THE POSTER. Still, half the fun is getting there, so by all means, torrent it as actual non-Blu-Ray copies are in short supply last time I checked.

Mutant Chronicles

Boy, am I glad I didn't pay to see this in the theaters. Although having an impressive cast with Thomas Jane, Ron Perlman, and John Malkovitch Malkovitch Malkovitch, the story didn't know how to finish strong, and lost steam about half-way through. It slowly turned into another Thomas-Jane-as-the-lone-badass-survivor epic, killing off about half the cast in a lackluster battle two-thirds of the way in. The one thing I do respect this film for, was taking chances. Alternate Earth circa World War I where everything is ruled by four corporations? Paid off. Steampunk space ships fueled by coal? Weird, but still very, very cool. Hero getting turned into villain to be fought at the final battle? Sorry pal, snake-eyes.

Pineapple Express

The best comedy to feature James Franco crying on a swing set while eating a burger.

Repo! The Genetic Opera

Despite being very, very goth and containing Paris Hilton, I actually liked this movie a bit. The creator has promised a follow-up, and I suggest that he take his time to both hire a better songwriter and not put in explanatory cut-away cinematics that ruin the flow of the movie. The art direction was fantastic though, and one or two songs were catchy. Plus, Paul Sorvino can really belt 'em out. And it followed Opera themes enough that what I couldn't enjoy, I could respect.

Rocknrolla

Guy Ritchie has yet to make a British gangster movie I could say no to, and this one is no different. The snappy back and forth, the strange facsimiles of men, the copious amount of drugs and good looking women the male leads really have to work at; it's all just gravy. Also, the soundtrack compliments absolutely every scene. Don't feel disappointed by the ending as being slightly anti-climactic, as this is the first of Guy Ritchie's "Rocknrolla trilogy". Also, if there isn't in fact a band out in the real world right now called Johnny Quid and the Quid-Lickers, there should be. Don't rent this, buy this. And get the Director's Cut, you cheap punk.

Max Payne

Play the game. Stop encouraging Mark Whalberg to do anything besides "The Departed" quality work. I mean, what the hell Mark? First you get a role that should have belonged to co-star John Leguizamo in "The Happening" and now this? Mila Kunis was good and all, but shit, this was not the game. Look, get yourself a nice indie script, take a week off, and then maybe star in something nice with Chris Nolan at the helm, huh?

Time Crimes

Proof again that Europe is kicking our ass in the horror department, Time Crimes could easily be called "Why People With No Knowledge of Temporal Mechanics Shouldn't Time Travel." The lead, a married man more boring than dirt, happens to spy a girl getting naked at the tree line near his rural home. Playing binocular tag for a bit as his wife mills around, he eventually sets off to get a closer look, only to find her dead, and then be stabbed in the arm by a psychopath in with a pink bandaged face. He runs, hiding in a science lab with a researcher who puts him in an enormous contraption... and then crawls out of it an hour and a half before he went in. Things only get worse from there.
Although predictable, it's designed to be, and half the fun is seeing how its going to get from point A to point B, and whether he'll be able to change anything at all.
The cinematographer needs to be wild-fucked by a Parisian mistress of 5000 bucks a night caliber for managing what he did with moving shots, and the actors did well enough to make some occasionally not-so-great written reactions seem believable. Though less of a horror movie than "High Tension", it still ranks as one of the better European horror films I've seen in awhile.

The Strangers

Oh god, I still can't get the scent of this movie out of my clothes. It's like someone excised a tumor, and the tumor decided it wanted to make it big in Hollywood. The tumor naturally had competition, so it drove its competitor script-maker for the studio off the road, even going so far as to attend the funeral to assuage himself of guilt. The tumor got the script approved, but had its vision shat upon by a big Hollywood executive. Hiring his mistress to plant a cardiac-arrest inducing drug in his wine, he was free only until the mistress demanded more cash from him. Pushing her off a boat after a faux romantic dinner, he was only found out by an intrepid gossip reporter. This is the story of that tumor.

Tropic Thunder

See the director's cut. No, no, not the regular cut. Director's. This movie was actually so funny, I shit myself on three separate occasions. Comedies should rate themselves on such a system, of one to three pants. Tom Cruise is hidden somewhere in the film, and I didn't even care that his Scientology spouting ass was it in. Matthew McConaughey was actually GOOD, for fuck's sake. Ben Stiller has proven he has directing chops, and I encouraging him to stop doing kids movies to do some kind of similar film. Jack Black manages to channel some hidden depth of rage at being typecast as a kid's movie star, no doubt taking tips from Robert Downy Jr. on how to act like you really need some coke. Good stuff. Buy it. Now, motherfucker, now!

Zack and Miri Make A Porno

Aside from the fact that this movie contains the deplorable human being that is Traci Lords, this had all the classic funny points that make for a good Kevin Smith flick. It was like a fusion of Chasing Amy and Mallrats, centering more on the nature of independent film than relationships. (Making a boom mic out of a hockey stick and duct tape, borrowing that one friend who shoots amateur video, etc.) Despite intense Seth Rogen saturation of the film scene, he still fits perfectly into the role, although you can clearly tell that Elizabeth Banks, while good, is trying to do things as the original female lead meant for the scene, one Rosario Dawson, would have delivered them. Keep in mind that Katie Morgan does actually sound like that in real life, but she's still in MENSA and you're not. Expect good things from the almost completely improvised conversation between "new Superman" Brandon Routh and Justin Long.

Knowing

So let me get this straight.... Aliens tell a girl fifty years before the fact the date and GPS coordinates of every major disaster for the next 50 years by whispering numbers into her head. Fifty years goes by, and then they miraculously start again, with new kids, after the numbers were rediscovered. And it's all to warn people that the sun is going to flare and destroy the ozone, and need to get to designated spaceship pickup areas. Except the only ones who can go are the ones who can hear the aliens.

...

What kind of douchebag space race does something like that? Fifty fucking years of cryptic writings and then you only take the psychic ones?!? God forbid you take anything but kids onto some new homeworld, leaving everybody else to burn horribly you cosmic ass-pirates!

This aside, the story suffers from a number of other problems. Nick Cage didn't ruin the movie, but nothing could really help it. When you have a scientist who's lost their wife and their father is a minister, the cliches kind of write themselves. Alien assholes and their convoluted space plans aside, the movie's one saving grace was the ability to depict the chaos of a fresh disaster, and the vision of burning animals running out of the forest was second only to the plane crash scene. Still, not enough to save it. Fuckin' aliens, man.

That's it. Go read a book.

A Horrible New Meme That I Swore I Wouldn't Do

2009-04-15T06:20:20Z

Dammit, I have a problem. These things are like crack cut with human pineal gland and Doritos to me. Further rants will include content about movie reviews or art updates, but my love/hate relationship with animation should be aired so that folks know where I stand.

Now, keep in mind, I like anime, but can't really claim to be an anime "fan" anymore. The fans killed it for me. They went out and bought every freakin' love triangle story arc involving comedy or horror that someone passed with a kidney stone out of Japan and claimed it to be "teh awesome", to use one of the internet's brain damaged phrases. I look at Code Geass and die a little each time I catch more than 30 seconds of it.

As I've said in previous posts, limited distribution used to mean that folks really only tried to get the cream of the crop out to the U.S., at least as of the 80's-90's. Now, thanks to certain Viz's that will not be named, we have Dragonball Z 2.0 with Bleach.

However, I still enjoy the animated series or film on occasion. Saotoshi Kon continues to vitalize the medium, and I went out and bought the Blue Gender box set for not being afraid to display hopelessness in the apocalypse and the ability to kill of familiar, likeable main characters. And Urusei Yatsura is still funny no matter what anyone says, or how much it ludicrously costs.

So here you are, a meme of animation for ol' Jude, the good, bad, and ugly. We can thank LJ pal araurian_dancer for giving me this internet STD, so check hers out as well. I've changed some of the criterion below to reflect my rather caveman-like lack of font manipulation...

- X what you saw
- O what you haven't finished/saw sizable portions
- Quotations " " for what you loved
- * for what you disliked/hated
- 8 if neutral
- Leave unchanged if never seen

Parenthesis denote personal opinions of the poster.

Classic Disney
--------------
[8] 101 Dalmatians (1961) (It never really stood out.)
[x] Alice in Wonderland (1951) (Still pretty neat over time despite lack of Jabberwocky.)
[*] Bambi (1942) (This film should be burned for its traumatizing effect on kids, and for sickly sweetness.)
[*] Cinderella (1950) (What? It was a girl's movie!)
[*] Dumbo (1941) (See Bambi, with addition of racist crows.)
[x] "Fantasia" (1940) (Remains awesome.)
[8] Lady and the Tramp (1955) (Not horrible, not fantastic.)
[x] Mary Poppins (1964) (I'd call it a stretch for this as an animated film, but it was still good.)
[x] Peter Pan (1953) (Like nobody didn't love that damn croc.)
[x] Pinocchio (1940) (The best story of child abduction and whale abuse ever.)
[*] Sleeping Beauty (1959) (See Cinderella.)
[*] Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937) (God, I wanna dig up that voice actress and strangle her...)
[ ] Song of the South (1946)
12/13

Disney's Dark Age
-----------------
[x] The Aristocats (1970) (What? Everyone wants to be a cat. *plays rimshot* )
[8] The Black Cauldron (1985) (Not a faithful adaptation of the book, but still watchable.)
[*] The Fox and the Hound (1981) ("Hey kids, wanna learn about equality and be bored for 80 minutes???")
[x] "The Great Mouse Detective" (1986) (You go, Vincent Price. We need more clocktower fights.)
[x] "The Jungle Book" (1967) (If only because it led to Tail Spin, one of my preferred Saturday morning cartoons.)
[x] "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh" (1977) (Oh, like you don't plan to show it to your kids.)
[x] Oliver and Company (1986) (Decent, but hasn't held up well with time.)
[8] Pete's Dragon (1977) (Mostly forgettable, despite being more animated than Mary Poppins.)
[o] Rescuers, The (1977) (Kind of ashamed I've never seen it all from end to end.)
[x] "Robin Hood" (1973) (I always liked that portrayed the King as a mama's boy. It rang true for the story.)
[x] "The Sword In The Stone" (1963) (The wizarding fight. 'Nuff said.)
11/11

The Disney Renaissance
----------------------
[x] "Aladdin" (1992) (Despite the 90-itis, the film did manage to capture the intent of the story.)
[*] Beauty and the Beast (1991) (Do I really need to say it again?)
[*] A Goofy Movie (1995) (Weed was involved when this was pitched.)
[8] Hercules (1997) (Pedestrian is a good description for it.)
[x] Hunchback of Notre Dame, The (1996) (Although in no way an accurate retelling, the priest was neat.)
[8] The Lion King (1994) (A rip off, but a rip-off with Jeremy Irons.)
[*] The Little Mermaid (1989) (Oh, c'mon. You don't know by now?)
[o] Mulan (1998) (I lost interest after I saw ten minutes on TV.)
[*] Pocahontas (1995) (SHE WAS FUCKING 12! 12!!!!)
[x] The Rescuers Down Under (1990) (The first film I ever saw as a double feature. Great backgrounds.)
[x] Tarzan (1999) (More films need death by accidental hanging in them.)
10/11

Disney's Modern Age
-------------------
[x] Atlantis: The Lost Empire (2001) (Although a semi-rip off of Nadia, it made me chuckle enough.)
[ ] Bolt (2008) (You're shitting me, right?)
[*]Brother Bear (2003) (That was the worst flight to Texas ever.)
[o] Chicken Little (2005) (Yeah, 'cause I was really gonna watch that until the end...)
[x] Dinosaur (2000) (A surprisingly upbeat movie given that it was about the extinction of the species.)
[8] Emperor's New Groove, The (2000) (Poor David Spade. He needed the money so bad...)
[ ] Fantasia 2000 (2000) (Wait, what?)
[ ] Home on the Range (2004) (*snort* Yeah, I'm sure it was goo...it was g-...God, can't say that straight faced.)
[x] Lilo & Stitch (2002) (Cute movie barring the hideous attempts at further exploitation.)
[x] Meet the Robinsons (2007) (Actually half-way decent, though the animation was a bit off.)
[x] "Treasure Planet" (2002) (Definitely in the spirit of Stephenson's high adventure theme. Good kid flick.)
8/11

Pixar
-----
[o] A Bug's Life (1998) (Looked enjoyable from what I've seen, but never saw more than 20 min.)
[x] "Cars" (2006) (An underrated Pixar film about what racing used to be and how NASCAR killed it.)
[x] "Finding Nemo" (2003) (Earned its Oscar, though I probably wouldn't feel the need to watch it a second time.)
[x] "The Incredibles" (2004) (Some damn fine animation you're growin' there, Brad Bird. Damn fine.)
[x] "Monsters Inc." (2001) (Good for attempting to explain to kids the only thing to fear is Big Business.)
[x] "Ratatouille" (2007) (If you didn't like this movie, you are a commie, and I hate you.)
[x] "Toy Story" (1995) (A good solid movie, especially since it worked the Pixar brand in.)
[x] Toy Story 2 (1999) (Enjoyable, but still a sequel.)
[x] "Wall-E" (2008) (Pure amounts of awesome for the least talkative Pixar movie ever.)
9/9

Don Bluth (Damn, I've seen a lot of these...)
---------
[8] All Dogs Go to Heaven (1989) (Interesting, if mildly depressing, but that's death for you...)
[x] An American Tail (1986) (It remains nice, if only for nostalgia purposes.)
[*] An American Tail: Fieval Goes West (This however, does not.)
[*] Anastasia (1997) (Whoop, sorry kids, she actually died when she was 8!)
[*] The Land Before Time (1988) (Oh, fuck you, movie. Fuck you and your dozen sequels.)
[ ] The Pebble and the Penguin (1995) (A story of a kidney stone?)
[*] Rock-a-Doodle (1991) (In fairness, the person who dragged me to see this as a kid hated it too.)
[x] The Secret of NIMH (1982) (It's about genetically engineered rats. C'mon, how could a boy not like it?)
[ ] Thumbelina (1994) (Y-chromosome. See the Y-chromosome? )
[x] "Titan AE" (2000) (For all the movie's faults, I love it just for the Whedon line of "You don't have to live on Bob if you don't want.")
8/10

Claymation
----------
[x] The Adventures of Mark Twain (1986) (Awesomely terrifying depiction of god still terrifying!)
[X] Chicken Run (2000) (Despite the popular anti-semitic, was an agreeable kids film.)
[x] "Corpse Bride" (2005) (Terrific acting coupled with good delivery. Good on you, Burton.)
[x] James and the Giant Peach (1996) (The book was better, but it's hard to hate on this.)
[8] Nightmare Before Christmas, The (1993) (And now all goths everywhere hate me.)
[x] Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit (2005) (It's Wallace & Gromit. Show some respect.)
[x] "Coraline" (2009) (And people said you can't make a horror movie for kids.)
7/7

CGI Glut
---------------------
[*] Antz (1998) (Who let Woody Allen back into film?!? Was it you!?!)
[x] Happy Feet (2006) (Very nice animation. Also, Hugo Weaving as someone who eats fish.)
[8] Kung Fu Panda (2008) (Really. THIS beat out Wall-E at the animation awards?)
[ ] Madagascar (2005) (I don't own an SUV, so I'd have nowhere to watch it.)
[x] Monster House (2006) (The occasional veiled sex joke makes up for the shit CGI.)
[o] Over the Hedge (2006) (After five minutes, I realized Bruce Willis was a very regret-filled man.)
[*] Polar Express, The (2004) (Suck, suck, annnnnd... more suck. Yup, that covers it.)
[x] Shrek (2001) (Decent.)
[x] Shrek 2 (2004) (Not so decent.)
[*] Shrek The Third (If seen, induce vomiting.)
9/10

Imports
--------
[ ] Arabian Knight (aka The Thief and the Cobbler) (1995)
[x] The Last Unicorn (1982) (Schmendrick, muthafuckas! What! Uhn!)
[ ] Light Years
[o] Triplets of Belleville, The (2003) (Have seen enough to know its good...)
[ ] Persepolis (2007) (Maybe with a comedy chaser some day soon.)
[ ] Waltz With Bashir (2008)
[ ] Watership Down (1978)
[ ] When the Wind Blows (1988)
[o] Yellow Submarine (1968) (I need more drugs to finish it.)
3/9

Studio Ghibli/Miyazaki
-------------
[x] "Grave of the Fireflies" (You will watch it, bawl like a baby, and then thank me for it.)
[x] Howl's Moving Castle (2004) (Not Miyazaki's best, but his worst is still pretty cool.)
[ ] Kiki's Delivery Service (1989) (Gimme time. It shall be watched.)
[ ] Laputa: Castle in the Sky (1986) (This one too.)
[x] Lupin III: The Castle of Cagliostro (1979) (How can you not like Lupin. Embrace the briefly green jacket.)
[ ] My Neighbors The Yamadas (One of the further mystery unseen...)
[x] "My Neighbor Totoro" (1993) (The most beautiful backgrounds I have ever seen. This is art, moving.)
[o] Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind (1984) (Have caught five min here and there, but will see.)
[ ] Only Yesterday (Never even heard of it.)
[ ] Pom Poko (Tanuki War) (Heard good things.)
[o] Porco Rosso (1992) (Looked over bro's shoulder to see it was good.)
[x] "Princess Mononoke" (1999) (Billy Bob Thorton as anti-hero. And great backgrounds.)
[x] "Spirited Away" (2002) (What a surprise, great backgrounds!)
[x] Whisper of the Heart (See "Only Yesterday")
9/14

Satoshi Kon
-----------
[x] Millennium Actress (2001) (Good film, but so sweet, it'll rot your teeth. Caveat emptor.)
[x] "Paprika" (2006) (Damn fine film about, well, film mostly.)
[x] "Perfect Blue" (1999) (Many, many degrees of yes.)
[x] "Tokyo Godfathers" (2003) (The ONLY anime to get the American concept of Christmas spirit right.)
[x] Memories - "Magnetic Rose" (1995) (Decent sci-fi horror.)
5/5

Shinkai Makoto (Wow, just... none.)
------------
[ ] She and Her Cat (1999)
[ ] Voices of a Distant Star (2001)
[ ] The Place Promised in Our Early Days (2004)
[ ] 5 Centimeters per Second (2007)
0/5

Other Anime Films
--------------------------------------------------
[x] Akira (1989) (The directors cut was better than previous releases.)
[8] Appleseed (Short and not as fulfilling as the books.)
[*] Appleseed: Ex Machina (Amulet of Extreme Plot Significance: The Movie)
[*] Arcadia of My Youth (U.S. Title - Vengeance of the Space Pirate) (Decent Harlock. Not Herlock.)
[x] "Cowboy Bebop: The Movie" (2003) (We need Halloween parades.)
[8] The Dagger of Kamui (U.S. Title - Revenge of the Ninja Warrior) (Not bad. Not good either...)
[x] Dirty Pair: Project Eden (I can't say no to total planetary destruction.)
[*] End of Evangelion (It needed to end sooner than this.)
[x] Fist of the North Star (Violence, I dub thee thusly.)
[x] "Galaxy Express 999" (Oh, Reiji, you sweet talker you...)
[o] "Ghost in the Shell" (1996) (Not the book, but close enough for me.)
[x] The Girl Who Leapt Through Time
[ ] Lensman (I've heard good things.)
[8] Macross: Do You Remember Love (U.S. Title - Clash of the Bionoids) (Friggen Min-May)
[o] Metropolis (2001) (I was bored by the time the title credits were done.)
[ ] Neo-Tokyo
[8] Ninja Scroll (On the plus side, lots of sex. On the minus, too much sex.)
[ ] Patlabor the Movie (Patlabor, nobody likes you. Go home.)
[x] The Professional: Golgo 13 (If you haven't seen it, you are no good to me as an anime fan.)
[x] Project A-ko (A decent dig at convoluted anime titles.)
[x] "Robot Carnival" (Perfection of the anime spirit, and sadly not available on DVD.)
[8] Robotech: The Shadow Chronicle (See Macross, but just change some names around.)
[ ] Silent Mobius
[ ] Space Adventure Cobra
[*] Steamboy (2004) ("We're going nowhere, but really fast!")
[ ] Sword of the Stranger
[ ] Unico and the Island of Magic
[*] Urotsukidoji: The Movie (Women... exploded.... during sex.)
[x] Vampire Hunter D (Vampire + high technology x violence - sex = pretty cool.)
[x] Vampire Hunter D Bloodlust (An OK film, and probably one of the only vampire romances I could stomach.)
[x] Wings of Honneamise: Royal Space Force (Despite the attempted rape scene, a beautiful movie)
24/31

Cartoons For Grown-Ups
----------------------
[ ] American Pop
[x] The Animatrix (2003) (Pretty nice collection of animation for a franchise run amok.)
[x] "Beavis & Butthead Do America" (1996) (It'll always hold a place in my filthy little heart.)
[*] Cool World (This movie was made by someone wiping their ass on celluloid. True story.)
[*] Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001) ("How can we make alien ghosts seem convoluted?")
[*] Final Fantasy: Advent Children ("How can we milk more money out of this crappy game?")
[ ] Fire & Ice
[8] Fritz the Cat (1972) (I may not have liked it, but I respect it for doing what it did in its day.)
[x] Heavy Metal (1981) (Neat.)
[*] Heavy Metal 2000 (2000) (Hey, I remember when this was a halfway decent comic!)
[ ] Hey Good Looking
[*] Lady Death (Boobsboobsboobsboobsboobsboobs.)
[x] "A Scanner Darkly" (2006) (You sit there, watch it, and then you tell me what you think of methadone.)
[8] South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999) (It hasn't aged well. Except for Eric Idle saying "horsefucker".)
[ ] Street Fight (AKA - Coonskin)
[ ] Waking Life (2001)
11/16

Other Animated Movies I Can't Categorize
-------------------------------
[ ] Animal Farm
[ ] Animalympics
[x] Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon The Movie (It's the show. But, y'know, longer.)
[x] "Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker" (Proof that spin-off shows aren't always a bad idea.)
[*] The Brave Little Toaster (1988) (I feel ill...)
[x] Bravestarr: The Movie (I know I have but... god, what was it about?)
[*] Care Bears: The Movie (For the record I saw both of these, because I was 3 once.)
[x] Charlotte's Web (1973) (Okay, who didn't watch this at school. Show of hands?)
[8] Fern Gully ("Hey kids, wanna see a movie that rubs 90's all over your face?")
[x] "G.I. Joe: The Movie" ("The last sound you shall hear shall be the snapping of your vertebrae one by one...")
[ ] Gobots: Battle of the Rock Lords (HAH! no, no I didn't.)
[8] He-Man & She-Ra: The Secret of the Sword (The secret is Mrs. Dash.)
[x] "The Hobbit" (You mean you haven't?)
[x] "The Iron Giant" (1999) (Who of us didn't want this to happen as children?)
[x] "Justice League: The New Frontier" (Know thy roots.)
[*] Lord of the Rings (Bad rotoscoper. You sit in the corner.)
[8] Little Nemo: Adventures in Slumberland (1992) (Read the comic.)
[*] My Little Pony: The Movie (I was in a summer class with 8 girls, 4 boys, and we got to vote on a movie.)
[o] Pink Floyd's The Wall (1982) (Get over yourself, fans of this movie.)
[x] The Prince of Egypt (1998) (Amazingly, not too preachy for a movie about Moses.)
[8] Powerpuff Girls: The Movie (Eh.)
[ ] Quest For Camelot (1999) (Nope.)
[ ] Ringing Bell (Uh uh.)
[x] Road to El Dorado, The (2000) (Enjoy it, dammit. Don't question how the native speak the same language.)
[ ] Rock & Rule
[o] Space Jam (Really, Mr. Murray. You held out on Ghostbusters 3 for years, but you did this?)
[ ] Starchaser: The Legend of Orin (Likewise, no.)
[x] "Superman: Doomsday" (Ultimate wrestling move: superplex from space.)
[ ] The Swan Princess (MALE! *points at penis*)
[x] Transformers: The Movie (1986) (Hee, Mr Witwicky said "shit.)
[8] Wizards (Bashki gets too much shit for this.)
[x] "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" (1988) (Still a great pulp-style movie for kids.)
[ ] Wonder Woman (After Whedon dropped it? Good luck getting me to watch it.)
[o] Balto (I was bored with it, and I'm a dog person.)
[x] Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron (Good choice, Matt Damon.)

That's it, now. Go home.

A Horrible Part of My State

2009-03-28T10:57:56Z

If I can be ashamed of just one thing in California, it's Oakland.

If you have instantly begun hating me for this simply because you're a Raiders fan, you can stop reading this blog right now. You can unfollow, or whatever the trendy computer term is these days.

As Bill Hicks would say, that is not a joke. We don't need you here.

I can't remember a time when the term Oakland wasn't synonymous with the term "crime-riddled shit hole" in the South Bay. I always chalked this up to simple inter-city prejudice, in much the same way that everyone hates the Yankees or the Cubs except for Yankees and Cubs fans.* But then, on a number of occasions, I got to visit Oakland.

For those who haven't been, imagine San Francisco if it had been designed by the art director from Escape From New York. I have been to three opposite ends of that city and have never been more than a street away from a pawn shop and a liquor store. In all of the times I have visited, I've never seen ANYBODY in that town that owns a dog that couldn't double as a home-security device. Oakland is where hope goes to die in a city.

That said, I do have some love for some Oaklanders. I'm talking about the folks who hang tough, saying that they aren't going to be run out by the gangbangers or the crooked cops, and that if either try to break into their house, their getting a face full of fireplace poker. These are folks who work hard, and most often than not, encourage their kids to move out of town. There's also the poor bastards who actually patrol the city and get a horrific wrap due to the other half of their force that contents itself with blowjobs from 14 year-old hookers to look the other way on certain matters. Those guys have a thankless fucking job, and it sucks that they get lumped in with everyone else.

And then there's everyone else. And they can go screw for doing shit like this.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/03/25/BADD16N9VP.DTL

On the DAY, the fucking DAY OF the police officers' funerals, they did this. The fact that there was only 60 in attendance is little comfort to the fact that there was more than just the one crazy guy spouting shit at the sky while wearing a sandwich sign reading "EARTH IZ 4 EARTHENITES". They are of the firm belief that a man who shot down two SWAT officers with an assault rifle after shooting two motorcycle officers from his car, was the wronged party, and should be venerated as a folk hero.

I could fucking retch.

A man is no less innocent because of the color of his skin than he is guilty. If your immediate thought that someone was getting a raw deal because A) they are the same color as you, or B) they did something all bad-ass action-movie-ish before losing the top half of their skull, you are legally retarded. You should officially have your vote count for 1/3rd of a vote in elections from all points forward, and should be wearing a football helmet at all times.

My views on race have always been pretty simple. Folks is folks. That's how my grandmother saw it, that's how I see it. I'm no more likely to side with a white guy than I am with a Puerto Rican/Jamaican. If I sided with white people on the principle that "they're white, they must know what they're doing", you'd call me a racist prick and belt me one in the chops. Just keep in mind the door swings both ways, folks.

Also, people never want to hear criticisms about a subculture, because they think some people don't have the right to do so, but sometimes folks need to hear it. Thug lifestyle pop culture is the equivalent of Bush-era politics support. It promotes the idea that you should be as ignorant as fuck, shoot up anyone you don't like, hate on people of certain colors and orientations, and expect to reap riches and fame for doing so. These people are the rednecks of African-American culture. And if you want to call me on that because I'm a white observer, by all means find a black man who is unable to point out what a white redneck looks like.

If you're black and don't buy into any of that shit, good for you. Way to be a fucking person. You are capable of forming cohesive, independent thoughts for yourself just as the white people who didn't care for the last 8 years of Cheney wringing his hands together happily are. If you're white and do buy into that shit, move to Oakland and see how well the thug life treats you.

As for the crooked cops that marched in that procession, I sincerely hope you get what's coming to you. I can only wish that after the services were concluded and the cameras were turned off, the rest of them sniffed you out like a shit-covered fox in front of a bloodhound convention and laid into you with batons sharpened to points. You keep people afraid in their own neighborhoods, and make people think twice about crossing a street. You are part of the problem. Never forget that.

*I do not hate the Yankees or Cubs, but if you hate me for saying this, please see my comments to the angry Raiders fans.

A Horrible Occupational Direction

2009-03-23T13:49:53Z

If I could be employed as anything at all, I think I'd like being paid to be a vigilante.

Not one of those "must kill all registered sex offenders" types, but a proper vigilante, like the Green Hornet or The Shadow. Someone whose entire job consisted of scaring the high and holy shit out of the criminal world, while occasionally capping the truly vile of the vile in elaborate and terrifying ways. And I don't mean like pimps or drug dealers, I mean like those guys who throw acid on their wives, the ones who are suddenly the rabbit in a dog race of people trying to shoot them in the face FIRST.

To be fair, it wouldn't be too glamorous a job. After all, you don't get health insurance unless you live in Canada, but Canada ain't exactly vigilante territory. You have to work nights, weekends, and holidays, those being the busiest hours. And to top it all off, you never get any personal recognition due to that little domino mask thing.

On the other hand, you are rich in a degree of personal job satisfaction. Nothing quite beats sitting next to some jackhole on a plane who can't shut up about his software company and topping him with that time you took down those Triad sex slavers using smoke grenades, a pair of .45's, and a billowing coat. And lets be honest, everybody likes seeing their picture in the paper, especially if it says "mysterious stranger".

Plus, there's the psychological factor. So many people take jobs or places in life that leave them adrift, giving them a sense of displacement and confusion as to the role in their own lives. The vigilante has no such doubts. He knows, quite firmly, that there are those who are good, those who lost their way, and those who are evil, and what his relation is to the three. It's a pretty good bet that Lamont Cranston never got to be age 80 and sighed holding a glass of sherry in his parlor, wondering if he'd do it all over again.

But sadly, body armor not being a 100%, and the economy not viable for a gun-toting shade of a man, I suppose somehow we'll all have to soldier on in retail and the private sector. Someday though folks, this economy is gonna turn itself around and then we'll see what's what.

...

2009-03-12T05:50:24Z

I said a long time ago when I first started this thing that I wasn't going to talk too much about my personal woes or drama. I stand by that sentiment. I feel that the internet is more conducive for expressing outrage than sorrow, and that blogs cater too often to the former than the latter. However, many have expressed interest and sympathies in recent events involving the family pet. Were it not for these interests, I would simply have not written. It is a certain comfort, even in the heart of a cynic, to know that these concerns are genuine and not simply the fair-weather comments of so many avatars.

In the early hours of March 11th, our chihuahua Mojo was put to rest at the emergency animal hospital in our town. It was not an easy or painless decision, but one of realism and compassion. Although he tried to remain as spry as possible, it was not to last, and we desired to let him pass before he felt any real pain. He had already suffered through two major surgeries in a year. and the idea of prolonging his life by the, in retrospect, selfish methods suggested would have not made us fit to be his friends and family.

He was full of life, more so than any dog I can recall owning in quite some time. This is perhaps what made the decision so hard, both before and after it was made. He bore no ill will from a growl to a bite to anyone once they'd stepped into his home, which is more than can be said for some people. He was an explorer, a comforter, a playmate, a rogue in his own right, and a friend to all he met. Youth was not wasted on him. He will be missed.

Goodbye, my little man. I named you, my brother played with you, my mother strove for you, and our friends idolized you.

'Til we meet again, some sunny day.

A Horrible Turning Back Of The Clock

2009-03-09T01:25:20Z

Everybody has their favorite time period. Yes, you do. I don't mean a period when you were alive, but a time when you wish you had been. Everybody's had the idle fantasy at some point in their lives, no matter how good things are going at the time. My good friend Blynken once remarked he wished he had seen the 60's, if for nothing else than free-love. A noble ambition indeed.

My favorite time period has changed dates as he grew older. Originally, when Jude was but a boy of seven summers, he wanted nothing more than to have seen the old West. I think most boys did when they were seven, although we might have lost a few to wanting to be back in the middle ages or caveman days. This was no doubt due to my fairly Texas-based grandmother and extended family, who often brought me gifts of kid's cowboy boots, hats, bucklers, etc. I'm pretty sure there's a picture of a three-year-old Jude in all his glory save for a pair of manly cowboy boots.

Don't laugh. There's one of you too and you know it.

This particular fascination actually won me first place in my grade's literary Halloween contest, where we were challenged to come in as our favorite book character. My favorite book of the time was none other than an illustrated Pecos Bill book, given by a friend of the family. Halloween, have you ever failed me?

But as I grew, so did my knowledge of the 1800's. For one, people were mean as shit. Secondly, things were dirty as, and sometimes with, shit. Third, you could usually die just from standing in the street long enough. This made the prospect of being stranded in such an era less glamorous than Doc Brown's workshop in Back To The Future 3 had led me to believe.

So, where would I rather stay now? The 20's.

Sure, the medicine was shit, but it made up for it in other ways. Radio was in the beginnings of its Golden Age, films were creeping onto the scene, and pulp was gloriously in full swing. Big band revues, speakeasies, social clubs, it was the a party scene to make our modern clubs look downright pathetic. I don't recall walking into some random college club in Downtown and being asked if I'd like my coat and hat checked. Also, hats were still in style.

Don't get me wrong, there were problems. By the end of the decade, the economy would be for shit worse than it is now, and the FBI & cops would beat the shit out of you as soon as look at you, and that was if you were white.

To rectify this, I believe we must bring back the 20's.

We have ten years to pave the way for how the new 20's are defined, and I demand a redo of the old 20's. Think of it as a polish and shine more than a revamp. People wanna be "gangsta" ? Be an O.G. in a new style pinstripe and chain. You want to wear something sexy yet modest? Find a way to cross a traditional chinese dress with a miniskirt for a new take on the flapper look. Don't like the horrific long-term health concerns of cigarettes? Decriminalize marijuana so we can bring back "cigarette girls" in the clubs. And find a way to make a fedora look fashionable again.

Ah, but what of entertainment? Well, if you want a new resurgence of music, you'd probably be better off boycotting Clear Channel stations. Missing the whole "live band" feeling of a place? Only show up at clubs when they have live entertainment, or maybe take a chance and mix a DJ WITH a band, see what you come up with. (I don't know about you, but I'd like to see Party Ben doing mash ups with a band backing him.) Films just re-hashing everything for you? ... Well, that I can't do anything about, but you can always try to support more independent films and theaters that play such. And if you're sick of books like "The Da Vinci Code" and "Twilight" being top sellers, write your own, preferably with detectives or Lovecraftian horrors.

Do not think we cannot do this. If all of us truly wish to, we can make an era exactly how we want it to be, no matter what age we are when it happens. After all, we never thought we'd have a new McCarthy era of terror and paranoia, but with a little bit of work, just look at what the Bush cabinet accomplished!

That said, I think we deserve a new roaring period after the past eight years or so. Stay cool, cats.

A Horrible Thrashing To Be

2009-02-28T09:50:40Z

I am officially sick of every fucking medical professional in this state, human or vet alike. I am done, DONE with each and every one of you greedy, whorish, callous, uncooperative, self-serving, wallet-raping, piles of worm-riddled shit to ever win an M.D. You wanna know what's ruining health care for everyone? Doctors. We need a series of overqualified nurses and physician's aides running shit for the rest of America's foreseeable life-span. And they will not run it for big bucks. They will be working for fucking SCALE because they enjoy their job, not their pay.

Doctors and I don't get along. Maybe its because one gave me diabetes. Maybe its because one killed my grandfather through carelessness and trying to cover his own ass. Maybe I just don't like white coats. But I know that if I found a hole with 800,000 dead doctors lying in various states of brutal dismemberment after being raped by alligators, I would think that the hole was not full enough.

The doctors have chosen to fuck with me on a personal level today, and I am not fucking standing for this.

My dog is scheduled already for a fairly expensive surgery on Monday. It is not a cheap process, even though it should be. We're talking used car money here. For something involving less than a thousand bucks worth of medical equipment.

Now, the complex we take him to, a massive vet consortium of surgical, residential, and emergency offices, knows we have this surgery coming up. They know we are paying them an arm and a fucking leg. So imagine my surprise when we have to take the already-known-to-be-sick small dog in to get the excess fluid drained out of his chest like we did 36 hours ago at the same complex, just over at the ER side?

A grand.

You knew, YOU KNEW I was already struggling to get cash lined up to pay for this procedure, and you charge me a fucking thousand extra for a 12 hour stay to make sure he lives to see it? Fuck you, fuck your kind, fuck any spawn you may have produced from your cursed loins of disease and miserly ways. Compassion, fuck, even understanding, is completely lost on you and yours. I could put a gun to your head and demand that you try to describe how you would feel if a friend was dying, and you wouldn't be able to do it, would you shit-heel? You just can't empathize when there's money to be made.

What's worse, you're infectious. You pass your callousness and lack of ethics to the financially bound who run out of hope, jading them to any other hardships they might face regarding medical emergency. You tell them it's better not to try if you don't have the credit score for something. You are murderers of hope, and you spit on the lives of the living.

I'll be honest with you, folks. Jude hasn't been this pissed in awhile, not since his birthday earlier this year. If they decide to keep upping the price tag on this for me, you'll be seeing me pulling a John Q on the news. Hang tough, and eat an apple a day. It keeps away pricks.

A Horrible Fishing For Jumping Off Points

2009-02-20T11:02:12Z

Ol' Jude has been busy lately. Which is odd for those who know me. Sloth-like is a pretty good adjective to describe me, as well as the noun slacker, or the descriptive combination of the two. I'd say it's just that I'm not a morning person, but it all depends on when I decide to drag myself from the depths of the Bed Lagoon. The sun is seldom a factor to me in such matters.

But more than that, Jude has been busy mentally. This ties into why the webcomic is a little behind in its production. Lemme explain...

Douglas Adams, one of the comedy and sci-fi greats of my time, often described the writing process as having to practically tear ideas out of his head to put down on paper. I'm very familiar with this concept, and often likened my writing process to his, practically having to force myself to write anything more than a page long.

Well, except this, but these posts are acts of anger and revelation, not usually creativity.

The entire thing is tedious normally. It's why I enjoy scripting comics, because the punch-line seldom requires too much follow-through. I still have ideas from when I was 4 mired in my head, wanting to be put down on paper (or screen, as it were in this day and age) but unable to find the drive to get them done.

Imagine my surprise when I found myself halfway through completing an entire story, which upon review, still looks pretty nice even without clean-up. And with several others started.

This glut of ideas is rare, and the ease of writing, quite frankly, unprecedented. It's as if my brain took ex-lax and is now expelling "what if" thoughts at me with thunderous flatulence. You know the kind of "what if" thoughts. The kind you get at 3 in the morning when you can't sleep, but are too tired to get up, and forget in the morning. The seeds of stories.

While I apologize for the delay in further sketches, I felt it necessary to inform you it was only due to how such idea cascades function. It's a lot like trying to drink coffee in the rain. Sure, you taste it, but you're surrounded by fluid and cooling down as fast as your warm up. Infuriating, and ultimately it ruins any chance of enjoying the experiences of either.

So what are the stories about? Nuh-uh. Not 'til they're in the can, folks. Or hard drive, as the technological slang goes. However, you folks can still help me out. The idea cascade eventually runs down, and I like to keep it going as long as I can with outside input. So, help a fella out, and toss me the following in the comments page:

1) An occupation. (Regular is fine, but something odd or obscure that I have to look up is good too.)
2) Time periods. (2000 BC, the future, etc.)
3) Animals. (Specific or general species.)
4) A way to kill someone or a motive to kill someone. (One or the other, I don't mind.)
5) Locations. (Lighthouse, city, etc. Be as specific or vague as you like.)
6) A hobby. (Model making, collections, etc.)
7) A fictional person, place, or thing. (From cryptozoology to fairy tales, have at.)
8) A possession. (Gun, pencil case, etc.)
9) An emotion or state of being. (Such as happiness or insanity.)
10) A mode of transportation. (Planes, trains, automobiles, John Candy, etc.)

To avoid too many ideas (a legitimate problem, as you can tell) try to limit the responses to five items or less per category. If I manage to pick a story out of it, I'll personally list the story I'm working on, and who contributed what to it on a later post.

Holy crap, I didn't just invent a meme for writers, did I? Aw, jesus fuck.

A Horrible Musical Interlude

2009-01-28T22:32:49Z

At the behest of those who know whom they are, I was prodded into making a sequel to what is now referred to as friends and family as the "infamous" Zombie Playlist from my comments section in "A Horrible New Web-Immersion". But I don't want people to feel this is the only catastrophic event that warrants music. Personally, it could probably be interchangeable with a lot of fight or flight situations of epic proportions. But then I started to think, "Hmm, what would I like to hear if [x] happened?"

The results, were delightfully surprising. Keep in mind, I do observe irony as well as taste.

(A jaunty little mix to be played trudging across endless desert, fighting crews of sail-powered road gangs, or just lounging by that one oasis with your trusty rifle.)

Burning Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland Mix
1) "Unrestrained Growth" by Buckethead
2) "WWIII" by KMFDM
3) "Deadweight" by Beck
4) "Big Empty" by Stone Temple Pilots
5) "Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Can See" by Busta Rhymes
6) "Backwater" by Meat Puppets
7) "Back Porch" by The Presidents of the United States of America
8) "Gimmie Shelter" by The Rolling Stones
9) "Like the 309" by Johnny Cash
10) "Nine In The Afternoon" by Panic! At The Disco
11) "California Love" by Tupac feat. Dr. Dre
12) "Blue Orchid" by The White Stripes
13) "John The Fisherman" by Primus
14) "Summertime" by Sublime
15) "La Grange" by ZZ Top
16) "Yada Yada" by That Handsome Devil
17) "Back Door Man" by Howlin' Wolf
18) "What's Up, People?!?" by MAXIMUM The Hormone
19) "God Is God" by Juno Reactor
20) "Play That Funky Music" by Wild Cherry
21) "Green River" by Creedence Clearwater Revival
22) "Highway Star" by Deep Purple
23) "Crossroads" by Cream
24) "What Planet Is This?" by The Seatbelts
25) "Rock An' Roll Ain't Noise Pollution" by AC/DC
26) "I've Been Everywhere" by Johnny Cash
27) "Little Green Bag" by George Baker Selection
28) "United States" by Smashing Pumpkins
29) "Tsuki No Ie" by Arai Akino
30) "Dark Night" by The Blasters
31) "Bondage A Go Go" by Hellbillies
32) "Super Metroid: Brinstar Stage (Dreams In Red OC Remix)" by Children of the Monkey Machine
33) "New World Water" by Mos Def
34) "Ride On Shooting Star" by The Pillows
35) "Staying Alive" by The Beegees
36) "Origin of the Species" by MC Frontalot
37) "Every Planet We Reach Is Dead" by The Gorillaz
38) "Down For Whatever" by Ice Cube
39) "Carachas Anjodas" by Tito & Tarantula
40) "Hitching A Ride" by Green Day
41) "Ace of Spades" by Motorhead
42) "Blow Up The Outside World" by Soundgarden
43) "Beer: 30" by Reverend Horton Heat
44) "It's A Man's, Man's, Man's World" by James Brown
45) "Six Underground" by Sneaker Pimps

(Chopping up teenagers suddenly just a bit too a-melodic? Well, try out some of these fine tunes, and see if they inspire terror in your next victim...)

Giggling Serial Killer Hack and Slash Mix
1) "Twilight Time" by The Platters
2) "42" by Coldplay
3) "Close To You (cover)" by Iain Ballamy
4) "Delia's Gone" by Johnny Cash
5) "I Put A Spell On You" by Screamin' Jay Hawkins
6) "Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)" by Nancy Sinatra
7) "All You Need Is Love" by The Beatles
8) "People Are Strange" by The Doors
9) "Sympathy For The Devil" by The Rolling Stones
10) "Sixteen Tons" by Tennessee Ernie Ford
11) "Io Mammate E Tu" by Karl Zero
12) "Flyentology" by El-P feat. Trent Reznor
13) "The Usual Suspects Main Theme" by John Ottman
14) "That's Life" by Frank Sinatra
15) "Time Is On My Side" by The Rolling Stones
16) "I Go Walking After Midnight" by Patsy Cline
17) "Why So Serious?" by Hans Zimmer & James Newton Howard
18) "Ave Maria" by Jesper Kyd
19) "Put The Lime In The Coconut" by Harry Nilsson
20) "I Did It My Way" by The Sex Pistols
21) "Hooray For Santa Clause (Punk cover of Theme from 'Santa Conquers The Martians')" by Sloppy Seconds
22) "The Cask of Amontillado" by The Alan Parsons Project
23) "Hey Man Nice Shot" by Filter
24) "L.O.V.E." by Frank Sinatra
25) "Put A Lid On It" by Squirrel Nut Zippers
26) "Wonderful! Wonderful!" by Johnny Mathis

Enjoy the soothing sounds, freaks. I gotta mosey.

A Horrible Business Model For Comics

2009-01-27T08:17:38Z

How do you gain popularity for a successful movie franchise? Why, just kill off the main character horribly in the series the movie was based on!

In case you haven't heard, by the way, DC killed off Batman. Not just sort of killed off either, but killed off in such a way that involves the term "charred corpse". I'd be more pissed if it weren't for the fact that I know it all to be a huge marketing ploy. Wherever would DC have gotten the idea to kill off a cannon character that is at the core of fandom just to bring them back at a later date to make a few quick bucks?

Gee, I wonder.

That's not really what ticks me off however. What gets me is how the character died. It wasn't enough to kill him, but that they basically shoved a spiked dildo into his ass as they did. Sure, he may come back, but he'll still be Batman-The-Guy-Who-Had-That-Spiked-Dildo-In-His-Ass-That-One-Time. The dildo in this case was a GUN THAT HE SHOT A GUY WITH.

Have the writers ever even fucking READ Batman, or are they all just kinda going off the Schumacher films? This is somehow worse than nipple-suits because they've set precedent. Batman doesn't use guns... oh except for that one time he killed a guy.

The retard in sheep's clothing that wrote this genius plot arc, gave the following as his reason:

"Morrison notes that Batman's use of the gun is symbolic as 'the root of the Batman mythos is the gun and the bullet that created Batman. So, Batman himself is finally standing there to complete that big mythical circle and to have the image of Batman up against the actual personification of evil and now he's got the gun and he's got the bullet. It seemed to me to work.' "

So... Batman has come full circle... to be the guy who shot down his parents in the alley?

THAT'S IT! I HAVE FUCKING HAD IT!

You want comics to be edgy, gritty, and doing challenging new things with moral fortitude? Make your OWN fucking books like Moore did! Complexity does not mean contrary! Captain America got killed off, but at least he didn't mow down a truck full of infants when he fuckin' did! Not all heros need to become flawed people at their core! THAT'S WHY THEY'RE CALLED SUPERHEROES! THEY SAVE PEOPLE FROM ALIENS AND BURNING BUILDINGS, YOU WATERY SHITS OF HACKS!

If Nolan ends up not doing the third Batman movie, I am blaming these people beyond all evidence to the contrary. Blaming them with forks in their EYES.

That said, I am aware that I have just railed at the death of a fictional character like some kind of nerd-fanboy of epic proportions. But let's be honest, some shit you just don't do to good fiction. It's like "Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep?" except the androids turn out to be midgets in exo suits.

A Horrible Webcomic That's Mine 2: Electric Boogaloo

2009-01-26T01:50:34Z

These short LJ posts are practically nauseating to me. If I can't type more than 140 characters, this entire process becomes moot to me. All the same, I bring you another vision from my sick little mind that made it to me #2 pencil, via electronic art program. I assure that while my style may be nonexistent, the jokes will inevitably make up for it. Have a look and stay frosty folks.

http://tinyurl.com/bzstdl

A Horrible Gonzo New Year: Part 2

2009-01-22T06:17:57Z

And thus the adventure continued...

The light-rail is probably one of the greatest city works to date in the San Jose metropolitan area. Five bucks gets you from the dregs of Milpitas to the uptown shops of Mountain View and back again all day, which is a good deal considering it being cheaper than by car and faster than by bus. The entire thing, for me at least, hearkens back to the days of yore in Los Angeles, when one could hop on a trolley for a nickel, never having to care about owning a car in the god-forsaken town.

Bet you wished it was still around NOW, don't you smog-breathers?

The entire thing also has a good aesthetic to it. Run on pure electricity, the thing hums and glides like something out of a sci-fi novel, with no real front of it so you feel comfortable no matter where you sit. I can only really liken the experience to the monorail at Disneyland, half-expecting to get off at Tomorrow Land when it stops and I'm half-awake. At night, the thing takes on a certain resonance, carrying its own private supply of light in its cabins through the city. I would hesitate to call it anything as fanciful as "magical", but it can be quite a damn fine thing to sit and watch.

The trip to downtown for any celebration is almost always the quiet leg of the trip. People are not nearly boozed up enough yet to be good and rowdy. Everyone seemed almost subdued, as if we were space marines in our futuristic conveyance, about to be dropped on some god-awful swamp world filled with alien menaces. A shared thought passes through such participants, as if to say, "Jesus fuck, are we all really doing this? Really?" But it's all the same, swamp or downtown; when you get there, you hump that pack and get moving.

We filed onto the fairly empty streets, Blynken narrowly avoiding the train hitting him after failing to notice the sidewalks shared the road with the rails at points. Nod, being of a different state of existence than the rest of our minds, was not concerned about which club to frequent.

"I'm hungry," he said, scratching at the scraggly chin-fuzz. The boy was in a perpetual state of beard, even when he shaved.

"We just got here," Blynken voiced, busily flipping off the retreating train that had nearly snagged his foot. I would have said it, but I was too busy sighing, figuring it was going to be the previous year all over again. "Besides, we just went to 7-11. Why didn't you get anything there?"

"I wanted a meal, not a snack. Besides, 7-11 is unhealthy as shit."

I wanted to argue with the boy and point out the number of times I had seen him consume, not eat, CONSUME food from the famous French restaurant Jaques-un-le-Box. Ultimately however, he had a point. 7-11 may serve one well for wake up juice, but if you want a goddamn meal with any nutrition at all, it cannot be found there. Still, Nod is not the easiest person to get food for.

We wandered past a Johnny Rockets, only to find it closed early, no doubt to have the employees join up at whatever club we were going to. I thanked god when I saw a Subway, twisting the head of my companion to face it.

"Nah," he said, "I kinda wanted something hot, y'know.?"

I looked on at the picture of a five-buck meatball sub on the window, cheese melting over the bread and piping hot marinara. I wanted to hit him.

"Fresh hot, not microwaved hot," he added quickly, seeing murder in my eyes.

"Oh for fuck's sake, Nod," Blynken threw in, moving his glasses up to massage his temples. "We're getting good and fuckin' blitzed tonight. We don't need you puking like a firehouse full of chowder after walking around three hours for a diner."

Nod's complaints eventually led to an ultimatum of bar food on my part, saying that it was "nutritious and plentiful, and goddammit, I will skull-fuck you if I miss the ball drop again." Nod seemed to find this a fair compromise, and off again we went. Our efforts to get into the club before 9 were sidelined however.

"Taqueria!", he shouted, in the same tone as a kid who spied an ice cream truck. His spindly little legs pumped as he dashed across the street, cars honking as he played what looked like a human version of Frogger to get inside.

"Son of a bitch," I said, watching drivers shake their fists futilely at the departing college boy. "It's like trying to walk a cat, I swear to god."

"We could always brain him," Blynken offered. His violent tendencies were remarkably lower than in the first days since I'd met him, but they could never really die, a fact I'm often grateful for.

"Nah, he'd just wake up and ask why we didn't bring back his burrito. C'mon."

$7.83 and thirty minutes later, we were finally en-route to our destination without anyone having been rendered unconscious. Unfortunately, by then the early bird admission fees had dropped, making me rethink the braining option at the apologetic-looking Nod.

The club area of San Jose is an odd beast to describe with any accuracy. There's no one set of people who frequent a particular club. Unlike San Francisco, there isn't a rap club, or a rock club, or a preppy club. All forms of scum frequent all locales, it's just dependent on how much cash they happen to have in their pockets at that given moment. Cholos and bangers hit up the local club Toons as much as frat boys and off-work secretaries. It was the great equalizer, with five-dollar drink specials.

Lately, the city has been trying to put condos in the area, trying to gentrify the few square blocks where the clubs lay. It's a pitiful attempt at a land grab, the city zoning board trying to say that the clubs cause too much of a disturbance for the residents who live near them. The only problem is that the clubs are the only reason the people moved into the condos in the first place, so beyond the zoning board, no complaints have been filed with any great majority. And sometimes the city wonders why they ended up getting a serpent statue shaped like a dog turd for their main park.

As we wandered into the place, it became far too clear that we were all way too sober for the place. But we were no cowards. We rectified the situation, glass for glass. After all, being in a club while sober is one of the most banal of experiences. You end up talking to people who think locking in a good mortgage rate is something Jesus wants you to do, or some shit.

I do believe that the club scene serves a purpose. It's not much of a purpose, but then what is? The club scene is where people go to express their subconscious, to let their id roam free with strangers in micro-tight dresses and gelled hair. Folks can do well enough without it, but they'd go insane if it were never even an option on a Friday night. It doesn't matter if you go home with somebody or don't have a great time. You went out and you simple Were. That's the sort of thing that keeps bank tellers from shooting up the place on a Wednesday afternoon, and it's good enough for me.

Repression being what it is, it comes as no surprise that sex is a big part of the club scene. Granted, we call it dancing, but that's what casual sex is in a society where you have AIDS. It's physical, involves two or more people, and generally requires at least a modicum of rhythm, no matter how laughable. Penetration may occur behind the closed doors of the bathrooms or in the alley outside, but the sex is happening out on the dance floor.

That being the case, Blynken was the first of us to assaulted by one of the womenfolk, a thing maybe a third his size in a red dress that leaped onto him like some kind of drop-bear, legs wrapping around him before her hands even got to his neck. He fell backward into the crowd, screaming for us to go on without him. It wasn't long before even Nod and I were beset upon by women in dresses they would never admit to having, though while I had quality, Nod had quantity. Get the man liquored up enough, and he became CassaNod-O, ladder salesman and burrito enthusiast.

I talked awhile to the one who was dancing in a way that could only be called illegal in six states, though admittedly given the noise factor, it was hard to know if she or I heard the actual responses. For all she knew, I was talking about butchering a small family from Macon I had met on the interstate.

ME: So what do you do?!?
HER: I used to be a bank teller! Now I work at Wal-Mart though!
ME: Helluva vocation change!
HER: Yeah, fuckin' economy, man! (slurps drink) Still, could be worse!
ME: How so?!?
HER: I could be sober!

That seemed to sum up the sentiment of the crowd for me. Sure, the economy's in the shitter, and our next president has the highest risk of assassination in the past two decades. So what? We have booze, we have people who like booze, we have people who dance with booze. You can bend us, but we do not break. We are wet bamboo, rest of the world. Wet bamboo slick with bourbon.

The same can't be said for the criers. You've all seen them at the bar during festive events, bawling their eyes out, with mascara running down their cheeks while a group of friends who'd rather be partying try to failingly console them. I must admit, I have never understood the motivations of a crier. Perhaps they are people starved for attention, desiring to be the center of the universe and feeding off the pity of those around them like some kind of emotional nosferatu. Or maybe their boyfriend just decided to be a dick and break up with them when the ball dropped, who knows.

I eventually found Blynken covered in lipstick watching Don Juan de Nod-o getting a final dance with three women at once around 1:30 in the morning. He mentioned to me that the vixen had gotten thrown out for dancing on the pool tables, and admitted such a person would've probably thrown up on him mid-coitus. Eventually dragging Nod away from the goodnight kisses, we tugged him behind us by the collar and began the long, satiated stumble home.

Intermission by A Webcomic That Is Mine

2009-01-10T05:47:21Z

Heh.

Hehehhahahahaha...

NYAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHOOHOOHAHAHAHA!

Enjoy the prelim sketches, fellow scum. More to follow. Until then, back to the story.

http://judaskinkade.deviantart.com/art/Nick-and-Charlie-108985851

Intermission by A Webcomic That Isn't Mine

2009-01-06T13:48:15Z

</a>

A Horrible Gonzo New Year: Part 1

2009-01-02T03:37:28Z

Every so often, I take time and ask myself if I still have my journalistic instincts. I used to have them, some years previous, and I knew it too. I reveled in them, like Scrooge McDuck in a money bin of pure caustic thought. They're a bit like herpes, I suppose. You forget you have them until an episode flares up.

I didn't think I knew it at the time, but I was going out to do a piece on sexuality and the holidays for you tawdry lil' monkeys on New Years Eve. Working on a webcomic with a humorous Objectivist protagonist and reviewing movies is all well and good, but you always come back to your roots. For me, those roots stretched back into the humble world of the college newspaper. I had only one dream as a column writer in those volunteer days of yore, and that was to vomit the vitriol of my brain onto the readers at our ramshackle community college. I doubt any of the people attending there were capable of reading, much less cohesive thought, but I blew my chunks at them all the same. I was a firm believer that after 30 years on the major scene, our good friend Mr. Duke should not be the sole commentator on the steady Ragnarok of human culture. Granted, Mr. Warren Ellis has stepped up to the plate, but he has a lot on said plate already. This is the global warming or journalism. We must all pitch in.

I'd gathered my usual cabal of ne'er-do-wells some days previous, commenting that none of them got out of the goddamn house very much any more. They grumbled, though most eventually caved. They are not people naturally social by nature. These are men who shy away from the club scene, to slink away to all night diners and dive bars, where people act like people and not models, a sentiment I usually share. However, the New Year requires a certain amount of celebration not consistent with such places, and I was bound and determined to frog march them into such harmony with me.

Only one did escape my grasp, who we shall call Wynken. He made the damn fool mistake of getting to bed early the night before, something counterproductive to the club scene, New Years or not. Via phone, I apprised the situation.

Me: I didn't know Beef's mom was a meth whore. (Note: I never say "hello", when calling him, preferring to get right to the conversation wherever my caffeine and insomnia-addled brain takes me.)
W: He addressed it pretty early on.
Me: You sound like death fresh out of tupperware. Did you just wake up?
W: (Mildly annoyed) Up yours, sir. Up yours with great fortitude. I woke up at nine this fucking morning.
Me: That sounds like it'll require some Red Bull if you wanna be in form tonight.
W: Nah, I'm too tired. Think I'm gonna pass.
Me: It's the New Year! You can't pass it, It passes you! It's pure temporal mechanics.
W: Not according to the Theory of Relativity.
Me: Unless that couch of yours is doing Mach 8,000,000, you have no ground to stand on. Put on your pants.
W: Make me.

After that it devolved into an argument about Rosario Dawson, Maggie Gyllenhall, and a kiddy pool of vegetable oil, so I deemed it a conversation to be continued at another time. Besides, Blynken and Nod were already en-route.

The San Jose club scene has had its ups and downs of late. The most notorious of these is the increased police presence, a perpetual sort of big brother giving the stink eye to college students looking to wind up then down over a few kamikazes from SJ State. A patrol car or two and maybe a few patrolmen somebody can understand, but a full brigade of mounted police and squad cars to tamp down twenty-somethings at Mardi Gras is a bit much. The hypocrisy of it came when we actually arrived on New Years, the heaviest drinking holiday in the entire Western world since Saturnalia, and I see a grand total of four cops between eight and last call. It continues to validate my point that cops secretly want a riot to brake out, either by being present or absent. It must be something special the brass check for in the interview.

We had a damn fair amount of time to booze ourselves silly, the Light Rail running for free until four in the morning. I had been most concerned about Blynken wanting to bug out early, the man so keen to isolation that I'm almost certain his shits come with "No Trespassing" signs. My skepticism was thrown a curve ball when he announced that he actually wanted to partake of the scummy dance floors and watered-down drinks. It was a sign, and I'd have been a fool to ignore it.

Nod was something of a harder sell, as he had been party to what I had come to refer to as The New Year's That Wasn't some two years prior. We had taken along a third party, who had filibustered his way into joining us, only to be deluged by his requests for specific fast food and to go home out of boredom an hour before the ball dropped. I actually had to miss the arrival of an entire year in wine and song because he had complained me into a coma that I awoke from at home several hours later. I had only gotten Nod to come back by promising him strong drink and the illusion that we'd stay for an hour then go home to watch the Dick Clark's Decaying New Year's Eve Bash.

And so, wallets packed with meager cash and pockets lined with "hell, you never know" condoms, we set out to witness the fetid speakeasies that passed themselves off as great temples to debauchery on that night of nights....

A Horrible Microscopic Rant

2008-12-18T15:29:17Z

In fact, this rant is so small, I actually didn't even write it. Shocking, I know.

Late last night, the ever informative British tabloid The Sun decided to claim that Christopher Nolan had mentioned that Eddie Murphy and Shia Lebouf had signed up for the next installment of Batman, to play the Riddler and Robin respectively. Where did they get this exclusive interview? Why, right out of their tea-shitting asses of course! That way you can make up any interview you want, complete with cast lists!

The early movie news sites are so completely buggering The Sun for this already that it's going to need a pillow just to sit on a waterbed, but I think the best reaction was by totalfilm.com, who decided to fight fire with feces. http://tinyurl.com/3wj522

You fuck with the journalistic bull of truth, you get the journalist horns up your fleeing colon, scum.

A Horrible Cartoon Appraising

2008-12-11T09:13:18Z

Between caring for a dog who's well enough that I can be annoyed at him again, possession of Rock Band 2, and a job market so terrible you can see bartenders getting thrown out with the drunks, I've been spending more time in front of the TV. Probably not a good idea, considering that a good deal of my life revolves around TV & movies already, but then neither is black tar heroin, but at least it got Kurt away from Courtney Love.

All TV people have a default channel. For the serious, it may be CNN. Others, the part-time TV people, choose the prime time channels or the re-runners such as TV Land or Lifetime. My friends would probably grow gills and suffocate on the liquid-less land if they had to go without Comedy Central for a week. But Jude knows good default. Jude knows Cartoon Network.

Don't get me wrong, I don't just mean Adult Swim. I was with it ever since the Sealab 2021 & Cowboy Bebop days, but my endearing love of animation goes beyond that. I recall first hearing about expanded cable having a 24-hour cartoon network back when I was but ten summers, and pleading for it to the matronly ruler of the household, and her matronly ruler as well. And lo, when I saw it, it was good.

Back then, it was almost completely original programming mixed with occasional canceled show from bygone years mixed in. More than that though, it was a channel founded with a question: why can't we make cartoons everyone wants to watch? The idea had been put forth before, with mixed results on varying channels. Exo Squad, Reboot, X-Men, Batman, The Tick... these were all shows that remained entertaining well into my adult years. Sometimes the toy toons were made to last.

Cartoon Network had their own gems which still remain quoteable and funny despite the passage of time. The first I can recall was the little remembered 2 Stupid Dogs, which in one episode had the two at a drive-in theater, wondering why people came here when the food was terrible and the movie lousy, only to pan out to all the cars around them squeaking up and down.

Heh. Like the kids'll really get that.

Dexter's Lab & Powerpuff Girls were sometimes so laden with jokes that only teens and adults would get, it made one wonder if kids actually found any comedy value in the shows. (Case in point: an episode of the latter which was nothing but a continuous stream of Beatles jokes.) Other shows came and enjoyed a multi-aged audience, Samurai Jack still being one of the most acclaimed animated shows for its introduction of the muted samurai style to a children's medium.

I'm glad that cartoons are bothering to be funny for everyone again, and not just limiting themselves to the "kid" or "mature" labels. The last time such a thing happened, for those who know their cartoon history, was all the way back in the '60's with "The Flintstones" and "Looney Tunes". So, for those of you with kids either here, on the way, or non-existent, I give you a few decent recommendations and their merits.

"Chowder" - If you've ever played Katamari Damacy, you'll be well prepared for the imagery of this show. (In point of fact, they actually have a Katamari joke in an episode.) The show revolves around a pudgy apprentice "cat-bunny-bear-kid-thing" chef of a boy named Chowder in a world that revolves around food and bad food puns. Dana Carey (Master Shake of "Aqua Teen") and John DiMaggio (Bender of "Futurama") lend nice vocal personality to the show, keeping the jibes back and forth between characters peppy, which is amazing considering that DiMaggio only says one word.
Favorite Line So Far: (Chowder) "If I die, please bury me in my maid's outfit."

"Total Drama Island" - The first time I saw previews for this, I began to gag a little envisioning a tween's cartoon equivalent to Survivor. When I happened to snag half an episode a good dozen episodes into the season however, I can honestly say it was pretty damn funny. One of only three shows currently on before Adult Swim rated TV-PG, the entire thing does more to mock summer camp & reality TV then endear itself to it. If you'd like to see a slow-motion replay of a party boy in a cowboy hat getting launched pants-less by a bull, while covering his junk and screaming in fear, you might enjoy it. The current house favorite amongst ourselves is Owen, who is more or less a non-sexual Ron Jeremy, i.e. one of the most affable chubby guy's you'll ever meet.
Favorite Line So Far: (Announcer Chris to Outhouse Confessional Camera) "So I've got a little side bet going with Chef. Whoever blows chunks first from watching the campers owes the winner a hunski."

"Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends" - Oh, come on folks, THEY RICK-ROLLED THE WORLD WITH THEIR FLOAT AT THE THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE! If that isn't enough though, you can expect a couple dozen decent exchanges per episode, many of which are jokes only the adults will get. Highlights of the series usually involve any of the episodes where Mac gets sugar, but the latest Halloween episode was perhaps the best yet. Watch for Phil Lamar, who can often be found playing a dozen different people on the show.
Favorite Line So Far: (Mac, trapped in wilderness & starving) "Where did you get that sandwich?" (Blue) "Oh, I found some hiker. He gave me this one and a baloney I scarfed down on the way back." (Mac, eye twitching) "But... baloney's my favorite." (Blue) "Oh, right..." [pauses and unwraps sandwich] "You DON'T like tuna, right?" [eats without hearing reply]

"The Secret Saturdays" - While I can't so much recommend this for adults, I would suggest it for parents who like watching things with their kids. The entire show harkens back to what I thought of as the coolest old cartoon of all time, one "Johnny Quest". I can still recall finding out the words "cryptozoology". "paranormal", and so on, and wanting them to be in my job resume when I was 10. This indulges those particular youthful hopes, and I think a new generation needs a little face time with a fictionalized version of them. Will Friedle, who played Terry McGinness in "Batman Beyond", has reoccurring appearances as the mercenary-for-hire Doyle.
Favorite Line So Far: (Doyle, to Owl Cultists while in disguise) "Just cleaning him up. Nobody likes a dirty sacrifice." [pause] "Hoot."

"Star Wars: The Clone Wars" - Although many have cited the animation to look like crap, it is in fact only going 3-D with the originally 2-D Genndy character designs which, while functional, weren't that elaborate. Many more wrote off the series, having gone to see the movie in theaters, which was actually just the first 3 episodes of the show that LucasArts decided to bundle together. Despite how it may look, the show often seems to give off a World War 2 in Space vibe, which helps quite often. None of the characters are as annoying as their live-action counterparts, and it manages to take the series into territory not explored by the movies, such as the habits and personalizing of clones & how Palpatine was field testing components for the Death Star without anyone suspecting their true purpose. Also, the clone troopers swear, which I approve of for a war based cartoon. It's the only other TV-PG show on before Adult Swim, and lives up to it with constant on-screen laser and lightsaber deaths. Popular actors that have already guest starred include Ron Pearlman ("Hellboy") and James Marsters (Spike of "Buffy"). It actually manages to make "youngling" sound less stupid, which is a feat for anything, Star Wars or not.
Favorite Line So Far: (Clone Trooper, after other member of troop is dragged off by hideous snake creature) "And that's why we have protocols saying not to go outside."

Th-th-th-th-that's all, folks. Now get your ass to some toons.

A Horrible Birthday

2008-11-28T12:23:30Z

I'll keep this short, since I'm both weary AND tired. Yes, there is a difference, but I'm too exhausted to explain it right now.

The Thanksgiving at our house was off to a pretty decent start. The pies were being made, the oven was ablaze with wondrous specimens of food. Much to my chagrin, even Miracle On 34th street was playing after the inevitable parade/dog show that CBS drags out on us every years. Decent vibes.

Then I notice my dog.

Now, normally, this is what you might call the least typical chihuahua ever. Mojo, so named for his "Transformers" counterpart, is by no means a purse dog. He's tall for a dog his breed, and is the only chihuahua I've ever seen with muscle tone. He often tries to look endearingly cute by standing and walking on hind legs, knowing the ploy often garners foodstuffs from the unaware. Active, is a good word for him.

So imagine my surprise to find him laying on the couch, panting like he'd run a marathon. It took a deal of prodding on my part to pry folks away from the cooking and tradition, but I eventually shouted and swore crudely enough to get the dog taken down to the emergency animal hospital.

The short version is that, after six straight hours of undivided attention by the doctors (due to no real pet traffic thanks to owners being home for the holidays) and a full blood screen later, these crack medical professionals deduced two things:

1) They may have a half-way decent idea of what's wrong with my dog, but they need to run more tests.
2) They really, really like finding out what the credit limit for the family credit card is.

These people ran exactly two, count 'em, TWO broad-spectrum tests, neither one of them invasive, charged around $2000 and rising, and still have no fucking clue why my pet has fluid in his lungs to show for it.

On my fucking birthday.

I am rage personified right now. Not anger. Anger's what you get when you step on a tack, or a guy cuts you off in traffic. I am in that very familiar area of fury that makes me want to gut punch past these people's stomach walls and squeeze, forcing them to drown in their own bile. These pricks have actually made me tell other family members not to get me gifts, because I don't want to choose between something new that costs money and the living fucking creature that likes to watch TV with me. Right now I'm pretty certain a bible would spontaneously combust in my hand for what I think about doing to these people.

Did they ASK before saying "let's all go out and buy mink coats" at our expense? No, of course not. They decided to test first, bill later. It doesn't matter that one of the tests was made obsolete by the results of the second test. I mean, it's not like it would have saved A FUCKING GRAND, YOU HIDEOUS TROLL-LIKE INVALIDS!

So here I am, exhausted but unable to sleep, cursing the heavens, a sick dog isolated from me and the only present I'm likely to get is the vet's billable dick reaching to the recesses of my colon.

But before folks decide that this is all smoke and thunder, ask yourself this:

How much much angrier do you think I am knowing that there are people with other human beings sick in this exact same situation?

Fuck the police? No. Fuck the doctors. At least I've met an honest cop.

Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta get ready to craigslist some stuff.

A Horrible Callout

2008-11-14T14:09:38Z

Prop 8 in Calirfornia, for those of you out of state or who live in a hole, was the proposition to not only repeal gay marriage, but allow the state constitution be changed to never let a measure be passed to vote them back in. Basically, it was a vote to deny further votes.

Mmm, extreme religious conservatism. Tastes like almonds, but then so does cyanide purportedly.

Now, putting aside the obvious fact that this irked basically the whole of California, my hometown of the North Bay in particular, it wasn't just the denial of human rights that had us in an uproar. For one, why is it that we couldn't do a damn thing via 2/3rd vote to make those in our state congress balance the budget that will now bite us in the ass on time, but we COULD vote to change the entire state constitution with it? Something has gone wrong with simple logic on that one.

Secondly, who wanted this proposition passed?

Well, depends on who you ask. According to Bill "I Have A Theoretical Peabody" O'Reilly, it was the black vote. The pan-handling Mercury news, who now offers subscriptions for a jelly donut and the old British equivalent of a farthing, it was the Vietnamese. And good ol' Fox News claims it was the Catholic Mexicans.

Like all bullshit, some of these did start as a grain of truth before arriving on the lips of the frontal-lobe impaired. All of the black people I've met do maintain a strong traditional family value system, which in shittier neighborhoods meant your kids usually made the right decisions. First generation Vietnamese were fairly conservative already, as the Republican party had been the ones backing South Vietnam during the war, and getting some of the refugees to American soil. And Mexican or not, Catholicism is still not really "at home" with the Friends of Dorothy.

So who voted this thing?

I'm inclined to go with Dan Savage on the assessment that it was simply "old people". This is problematic for me, because I don't harbor a lot of ill will on the elderly. They bitch about the weather, complain about their bodies, criticize their food, and rail against everything that's vastly different from when they were young. But hey, that's old people even if they LIKE gay people. You can't hate 'em for it, you can just maintain your own values in the face of it and try to vote against them. You probably have more birthdays left.

But old people didn't back this thing. So who did?

Actually, THAT was a lot of cracker-ass honkies.

The biggest proponent was none other then good ol' Mormonism, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Spearheading the intiative, they were joined by other like-minded religious wing-nuts such as the Catholic Knights of Columbia (Edit: I've been asked twice if that was a white supremacist group on the name alone.) and the protestant Saddleback Church. But it didn't stop there, no no no...

The whole of the propositions contributors were brought forth under FOIA to be set up at the Antigayblacklist.com, where people are told who from where donated how much and to politely not give them any more patronage. Considering the NEW massive initiative in response to Prop. 8 to boycott the Sundance Film Festival at Salt Lake City, it seems to be working.

It would be a petty thing for me to go in and get the contact info of everyone who donated, and I am not a petty person.

I am however a practical person, and therefor only list the largest contributors in California below. By all means, pass it on. I won't have the flyers ready for weeks.

FIELDSTEAD & COMPANY ($95,000): P.O. Box 19061, Irvine, CA 92623 / (949) 474-1195

CONTAINER SUPPLY CO. ($250,000): TBertoglio@aol.com / (714) 892 - 8321

Jan Pinney, President of ISU FRANCES-PINNEY INSURANCE SERVICES, INC ($10,000): jpinney@isusac.com / 2266 Lava Ridge Court, Ste 200, Roseville, CA 95661 / (916) 773-2800

Scott Khunen, General Manager of RECYCLING INDUSTRIES ($28, 750): 389 Wilbur Ave Yuba City, CA 95991 / (530) 671-2215

J. Nathan Jensen of MORRISON-FOERSTER LAW FIRM ($10,000): njensen@mofo.com /12531 High Bluff Drive, Suite 100, San Diego, California, 92130 / (858) 720-7912

Michael Manning, cpa of QLOGIC CORPORATION ($20,000): (714) 668-5344

Greg Clark, president of CIRRUS FINANCIAL ($21,500): 4101 Dublin Blvd. #138 Dublin, CA 94568 / (925) 474-1400

Play nicely, kids. I'm gonna turn the other way while you do.

A Horrible Return of The Living Movie Review

2008-11-11T13:15:50Z

You thought it was dead and gone, but none can stop its rampage. It craves brains, and yours look pretty tasty. So sit right there, 'cause you're getting some movie updates.

- Upon reflection when talking to my fellow film junkie and fat-chewer silver_tusk , I came to the realization that "You Kill Me" was, in fact, the movie that "The Matador" should have been. An IFC original film, it was released in very few theaters, which was a shame. Sir Ben Kingsley plays an alcoholic hitman from Buffalo (granted, not with a very convincing accent) who, after sleeping through job, is sent by his employers to San Francisco to attend A.A. . The entire thing has a degree of wit Pierce Brosnan never managed to achieve in his own film, with the diatribe between Sir Ben and Tea Leoni being some of the best. Owen Wilson should be reminded of his very nice part in this movie should he ever start feeling depressed again.

- "The Signal" was... well, it was definitely a movie. I can't say with any degree of accuracy whether or not it was a good movie, or even if it was a horror movie. It wasn't the "28 Days Later" or Stephen King's "Cell" knockoff people were claiming it as, and I suggest people watch it to form their own opinions, keeping in mind the three interconnecting stories were written by separate people.

- The "Captain America" movie is looking to be shaping up a little. Despite original reports that Will Smith was given the O.K. to play Steve Rogers by Stan "The Man" Lee, rumors are hinting that Matthew McConaughey will in fact take up the part. Given his track record, I considered this unwise at first, but then recalled his performance in another WWII piece by the name of "U-571". (I'm placing this on the "wait and see" category.) The director couldn't be better for a movie about the most wholesome Marvel superhero, with Joe Johnston signed on to take the reins. Joe is perhaps better know for his early Disney movies "Honey, I Shrunk The Kids" and the OTHER WWII superhero movie "The Rocketeer", though as "Hidalgo" showed, he could make a big boy movie when he wanted to.

- "Repo! The Genetic Opera" is already out in select theaters. Despite Paris Hilton, the movie looks remarkably nice, with Anthony Stewart Head (Giles, of "Buffy" fame) playing a thrash-metal singing psychopath and Paul Sorvino as the amoral patriarch of a crime family amidst a surreal consumerist backdrop. C'mon, House of Wax was just one movie that got Paris horrifically killed. Don't you wanna go for two?

- "House" has peeked my interest. Despite being touted as "Christian horror", Ted Dekker's novels-to-films have surprised me before. The director is the same one to have directed "The Visitation", a particularly ingenious take on the concept that just because someone says God wants you to do something, doesn't mean you should do it. Dekker's novels often revolve around perception and the test of morality under horrific circumstances, and "House" seems to follow in that vein. A group of four people are chased by a killer into his home, where he leaves them the following message: "Welcome to my house. House rules: 1. God came into my house and I killed him. 2. I will kill anyone who comes into my house as I killed God. 3. Give me one dead body and I might let rule two slide. GAME OVER AT DAWN." The only danger besides the usual threats of bad movie woes the film must avoid is the possibility of becoming just another Saw copy.

- "Quantum of Solace". What are you, brain-dead? Go see the movie. Buy popcorn. Enjoy yourself, goddammit.

- "Twilight", another movie about a vampire in love with a human girl. If it had werewolves in it, it would complete the unholy trilogy. Stop sexualizing vampires, Hollywood! I hated it when Bram Stroker did it, and you ain't half the writer he was! Find a way to make "Shadow of The Vampire 2" with any kind of dignity, and we'll talk.

- Remember when Jason Statham had a career? Y'know, before the "Transporter" movies? He was doing so well in "Snatch" and "The Bank Job", but keeps on whoring himself out to the same two French idiots to beat the dead cash cow over and over. Then they asked, "How can we make it worse?" And one replied, "We'll get a music video director, that always fucks up a movie!" The other, wanting more said, "No, no, shittier! We'll get a former graffiti artist!" And both proclaimed "Brilliant!" True story.

- Sweet shit on a cracker. Show of hands who wants "Robocop" remade?
... Damn right. As if that wasn't enough, Aronofsky to direct?!? It isn't a powerful tale of achieving goals or personal loss, it's Robocop, you sanctimonious knobs! Leave my unabashed criticism on 80's consumerism alone, fake commercials and all!

- For my take on "Underworld: Rise of the Lycans", please replace all of the word "vampire" with "werewolf" in my take on "Twilight" above.

- The *shudder* "Dragonball" movie continues to move on course despite my greatest of attempts to blow up the director's head with my mind. If it weren't for the fact that I think James Marsters as the only half-way decent character the show had (if only because he didn't talk for forty minutes between throwing a punch), I'd be in favor of lynching the cast.

That's it folks. The good, bad, & ugly for the coming year barring some choice gems I may yet talk about. And remember: if you get to pirate movies in the theater, I get to return the favor by cutting your belly open with a cutlass.